Being responsible for your health is a terrible burden. I relied on my mom to schedule all my doctors’ appointments, care for my mental health, and make sure I didn’t destroy my body all the way up until I graduated college. So when I was forced to start doing it on my own, some oversights proceeded.
While I would generally classify myself as a healthy person, there have been notable moments of poor judgement that have landed me in a waiting room chair with a plastic ID bracelet around my wrist. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes, or at least get a good laugh out of my misery from the terrible reasons I’ve ended up in the ER.
I fell Victim to a Teatoxing Scam
I know that Instagram probably isn’t the best resource for health purposes, but I was blinded by the prospect of shedding a few pounds and feeling revitalized. After seeing Teatox ads multiple times, I decided to take the plunge and give it a go. The distributors assured me that after a week, I would be feeling like a new person. At the time, I wasn’t aware that my Teatox kit came from overseas. Created in a place where there’s no FDA regulating what can and cannot be put into food products. About four days into my “cleanse” I was at a brewery tour with my brother and his wife and I ended up keeled over in the bathroom with everything inside of my body trying to get out by any means necessary. I trip to the ER confirmed that I had a lovely staph infection in my lower intestines that was most definitely caused by my miracle teas. In the end, I did lose weight, but it was because I couldn’t keep any food down for 72 hours.
I Took Prenatal Vitamins While Not Pregnant
Clearly, I have no qualms with putting just about anything in my body without thinking about it. A Pinterest post showed up on my feed proclaiming that taking pre-natal vitamins while not pregnant can make your hair grow faster. Always a sucker for quick solutions, I headed over to CVS and bought a nice big bottle of pre-natals. A few weeks into my new hair-care regime, I started feeling not so great. At some point, I had teatox flashbacks as I laid on the bathroom floor hoping for a quick death. Another trip to the ER lead to the discovery that I had overdosed on iron. The thing about pre-natal vitamins, they’re designed for two people to be pulling from. My very empty womb had caused my body to absorb all the nutrients I was taking in. I should have just taken some biotin or invested in hair extensions. It would have been cheaper than my deductible.
I Thought I was Having a Heart Attack
If there’s one thing I should come to terms with as I get older, it’s the fact that my stomach can no longer exist on my “Child’s Birthday Party” diet. Part of what spurred the revelation was my recent trip to the local ER for a supposed heart attack. At the time, I was a 22-year-old, 124 lb. female, who didn’t smoke, didn’t have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or any family history of heart problems. All of this put me at a less than 2% risk of cardiovascular problems. The triage nurse took one look at me and my chart when I came in, and gave me an eye roll. I waited hours to finally see a doctor, all while panicking about dropping dead on the floor as my heart stopped beating. Finally, it was determined that the extra-large bag of kettle corn, two chili dogs, and multiple beers I had consumed earlier that day had led to an acute case of heart burn. I was advised to take some over the counter antacids and to stop clamoring for emergency medical help at the drop of a hat.
I Unintentionally Overdosed on Prescription Pain Killers
After having my wisdom teeth out, I had a handful of OxyContin left over post-surgery. You’re supposed to dispose of these extra pills in a specified medication bin at a health center, but just like 99.9% of the population, I held onto those suckers. I forgot about them for a while, until terrible period cramps brought them back into my mind. I popped one and waited for my screaming muscles to relax. In the biggest rookie mistake of my life, I decided maybe one just wasn’t enough, one more should do the trick. The cramps started to dissipate, and I was feeling fabulous. Maybe 30 minutes after the initial dosage though, something was off. The room was swimming and I felt like my entire body was slowing down. In what I later learned was my only cognizant decision of that day, I was able to get to the bathroom and make myself throw up. Later in the ambulance, I had to keep repeating to the EMT that this was very much not a suicide attempt. I can’t help it that I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina.
I Lost my Health Insurance
In today’s political climate, healthcare coverage is a hot topic. Regardless of where you stand, everyone can recognize that not having healthcare really sucks. Even with a bachelor’s degree and a full-time job, I still found myself with no health insurance, and stuck in a waiting period to buy on the open market. Unfortunately, all my prescription drugs ran out shortly after I became uninsured, and my old out of state primary care doctor wouldn’t refill them for me (bitch.) I sat in the ER waiting room with people keeled over in pain and someone being wheeled through on a gurney, only to finally be seen and ask for a birth control prescription. The doctor had gone from stitching up some bloody lacerations to having a clearly ill-informed woman ask him for some Loestrin. A 30-day supply ended up costing over $100, not including the price of the visit. Turns out there’s a place called Planned Parenthood where they’ll give you birth control for little to no cost. Whoops!
I encourage you to WebMD some stuff before you rush to seek instant medical service. Or tweet me @kellchoi and we can panic about how you’re going to die together..
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