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Cue the music.
The worst times in a person’s life are likely to be in the following order: when a loved one or family member dies, when you get fired, when you get broken up with, and when you get food on your crisp white jeans. In that order. Everything else? Nothing a little Bob Seger and a stick cocktail can’t fix.
When someone rips your heart out of your chest, you get about a three-day sulking period where you can literally do anything you want without judgment. Get hammered, take some PTO to get the hell out of dodge, but more likely, mope around the house trying to mend the wounds. But without the proper survival kit, those three days of doing absolutely nothing will bleed into four, five, or even a week.
Time to fire up your Amazon Prime Now membership and delete your ex’s number. You know, before hate-stalking them for the next three months.
Romantic Comedies
Some say that the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone. I disagree. I’m more in favor of watching ficticious characters fall in love in ridiculous scenarios only to remind me that love does exist. Harry and Sally. Kathleen and Joe. Annie and Sam. With bubbly soundtracks and apartments you’ll never be able to afford, a good romantic comedy will do the trick when you’re trying to forget that someone just decided you aren’t worth spending the rest of their life with.
Oh, and get the DVDs. When you’re bedridden and in the middle of a quarter-life crisis, you’ll need to know your legs still work by way of getting out of bed to switch discs.
I suggest: ‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and ‘Must Love Dogs’ 3-Pack DVD Set
Gel Eye Mask
It’s okay to cry. At least that’s what I tell myself whenever I watch the final episode of Boy Meets World.
If you’re not crying after a breakup, you probably didn’t love the person enough to marry them in the first place. But once the waterworks start goin’, the eyes start puffing up. And once the eyes start puffing up, that’s when your friends who come over to console you begin to think, “Wow, they look worse than I thought.” Keep your appearance up by getting a Patrick Bateman-esque eye mask to wear in between binge-watching your rom-coms.
I suggest: The Gel Bead Eye Mask
Robe
Move aside, pajama pants. This is a job for a robe.
Think of this thing as your breakup thunder blanket. Your breakup uniform. Your second skin. If you’re going to be sulking around the house, really sulk around the house. Nothing screams “I’ve given up and don’t care about anything” more than wearing an outfit completely made of terrycloth.
I suggest: Terrycloth Turkish Bathrobe
Melatonin Gummies
Breakups are the worst at night. You’re tired, your brain has run through every possible scenario, and you’re sitting there wondering, “I wonder who the fuck they’re texting right now.” It’s okay to admit – everyone turns into the most psychotic version of themselves after getting kicked to the curb. Which is when you bring in reinforcements – sleep aids. Unless you’ve got an Ambien prescription, you need to turn to Diet Ambien which just so happens to be melatonin gummies. Not only do they taste like healthier gushers, they’ll hit you hard enough that you won’t be able to finish the episode of Girls you started. Win-win.
I suggest: Nature Made Melatonin Gummies
Scented Candles
Breakups, for all intents and purposes, are like hangovers. You’re exhausted, you feel like shit, and you need to surround yourself with luxurious shit in order to feel better about who you are as a person.
Enter: The Scented Candle.
When the only light you’ve seen all day comes from your flat screen or phone (and you begin to start smelling like shit despite the fact that you can’t tell), you need to light a candle and get that flicker going. Really get into relaxation mode by breathing in a bunch of scents your nose isn’t sophisticated enough to identify. Just make sure to blow it out before taking the melatonin gummies. Your life is already up in flames but that doesn’t mean your apartment should be too.
I suggest: Cire Trudon Abd el Kader Candle
Home Assistant
You don’t have anyone to order around anymore, so you might as well get an automated robot to make your bitch while you feel bad for yourself. You might even be able to ask it, “What’s the meaning of life?” and not just hear the sound of rain hitting your window.
And just like with your ex, you’re just going to throw this one away and get a new, better one when Apple releases theirs in December. Everyone loves a Christmas romance.
I suggest: Amazon Echo Dot .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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The best way to handle a breakup is to get the crying out of the way early, make a fire playlist and play that shit 24/7, work out enough that you’re too tired to have feelings, and keep your phone on airplane mode as often as possible.
Too tired to have feelings is how I live regardless of relationship status
Agreed. But man, sometimes they just getcha.
sup?
You just summarized my week last week. Two days of crying/no appetite followed by two days of going for “runs” that turned into “how much can I make this hurt so I don’t feel emotion” …needless to say, I should have entered my ass in a race because I was out there averaging 6:10 miles for a 5k like a real psycho. Lost 3 pounds in the process so in hindsight, had a great break up week!
Needed this advice today Nurse Jackie, thank ya!
That combo has never failed me. If you like country, Last Dollar by Tim McGraw is on any and all feel-good playlists I make. I’m sorry about what you’re going through /:
Where was this advice like 10 months ago when I thought doing copious amounts of fun drugs and hitting the overpriced bar scene after working out was the only way to get through a break up
is this an appropriate time to ‘sup’ you orrrr
I ship this
Didn’t those drugs and overpriced drinks land you the new gal? Well, that and the torn Achilles.
I make sure to add Adam Sandler’s “Somebody Kill Me Please” from the Wedding Singer to my playlist.
Exploiting vulnerable broken hearted people by disguising affiliate marketing as helpful advice. Damn, Grandex. Respect.
I’m towards the end of divorcing my wife who I’ve been with since high school. I’ve gone through all the emotions- sadness, grief, anger, embarrassment, realization, hope, optimism, happiness. The fact of the matter is we aren’t the same people we were at 17 that we are now at 30. The years have taken their toll and, to be honest, finally coming to terms and separating was the best and most liberating thing we could have done. I’m haven’t been this happy since I was 17. I feel more like my self and have an excitement for life that I though died years ago. I can now pursue some endeavors I had abandoned and realize dreams that I thought were just that. Divorce now isn’t what it was years ago- the stigma has softened because of changes in society and the way the traditional relationship is viewed. For anyone else going through something like this, you aren’t the only one and you will be much better for it. Life is too short to hamper your happiness trying to maintain a broken relationship. -CC
Sorry to hear what you’re going through CC. I’m glad to hear you’re at peace with it and it sounds like you both know it’s what’s best for both of you. Remember what Louis CK said: “No good marriage ends in divorce.”
I guess we know how the proposal went.
This article made me realize my last real break-up (aka last real relationship) was Jan 2010. I might be broken
I listened to Brand New for two weeks and ate a lot of cheeseburgers. It worked.
I’ve had Brand New Pandora on since getting dumped Wednesday.
Buddy I’m sorry. Check out Sorority Noise and Moose Blood too. Godspeed.
Reminds me of The Get Up Kids
Saw Sorority Noise a few weeks ago in Philly. If you like those bands, I’d check out Mom Jeans – they’re a lesser known band but a lot of fun, not quite as dark
For a second I thought you meant you listened to the ’07 Lil Wayne “Brand New” freestyle on loop as a way to cope. Which, I mean, might work!
Please do not disrespect Jesse Lacey like this.
Mixtape Wayne slander won’t be tolerated on the TL
brand new seats, brand new smell, put out the roach, light a brand new L #thugplug
Brand New fixes most things
Play Crack the Sky, Sup?
So what you’re saying is, your aesthetic is “dude going through a breakup.”
I came back from sea Tuesday, dumped on Wednesday.
Fuckin slimy pollywog, probably. Sorry bro; raise one for me and drink to the foam.
Your”breakup survival kit” is almost identical to my “perfect staycation.”