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Your plans were thrown together at the last minute. This night is too expensive. Stay the fuck home.
Everyone is wasted. You’ll never get a cab. Stay the fuck home.
You’re not getting laid. No one is horny. They’re all just mad. Stay the fuck home.
You’ll go from excited to angry to drunk to sloppy drunk to sad. Stay the fuck home.
You think you’ll get a kiss, but you’re really just going to be that awkward, lonely person holding his or her drink with two hands. Stay the fuck home.
You really think that a number going from 2014 to 2015 is going to motivate you to get in shape, start eating better, wake up earlier, stop smoking, drink less, and work harder? Stay the fuck home.
No one is forcing you to watch Ryan Seacrest if you just stay the fuck home. Stay the fuck home.
Same with Pitbull. Stay the fuck home.
The drunk people you’re going to deal with aren’t like normal drunk people. These are inexperienced drunk people who are getting drunk for the first time in months. Stay the fuck home. Oh God, please stay the fuck home.
Remember what I said about getting laid? That ain’t happening. Stay the fuck home.
They call it an open bar, but it’s really just for beer and wine, and real champions drink liquor on holidays. Stay the fuck home.
The hangover won’t be worth it. Stay the fuck home.
It’s the worst drunk driving night of the year. Don’t get T-boned by a 20-year-old driving a Tahoe. Stay the fuck home.
Those hors d’oeuvres will be gone before you get there, anyway. Stay the fuck home.
The average pizza delivery time is 20 minutes. Stay the fuck home.
You won’t dance the night away. You won’t meet your soulmate. You most certainly will not have a good time. Stay the fuck home.
You will realize that you actually hate your friends. Stay the fuck home.
You’re just going to end up texting your ex. Stay the fuck home.
There’s nothing that you’re missing out on. This won’t be the best night of your life. Stay the fuck home.
The house DJ barely knows how to count. He shouldn’t be trusted with the countdown. Stay the fuck home.
It is cold as fuck and you’re going to lose your nice ass coat. Stay the fuck home.
No, seriously. It’s cold everywhere in January. Stay the fuck home.
And if you really don’t give a shit about what I have to say, you’ll probably find yourself wishing that you would have just stayed the fuck home. Stay the fuck home..
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour
Already on it. Always thought New Year’s Eve was overrated. Preach.
I must have missed it. What am I supposed to be doing on NYE?
Dinner – > Netflix, just like any other Wednesday night.
Where do you live that the average pizza delivery time is 20 minutes? Here it’s at least 45 minutes to an hour #importantquestions
I am unfortunately not staying home. I will likely go out and blow a ton of money my mediocre at best entry level job does not allow me to spend. I will undoubtedly regret this in 24 hours when i wake up. I know i should stay home, I just cannot bring myself too
Many of these sound how my plans will go wrong…except the girlfriend bought the tickets. So I will be the fuck not home.
Stay the fuck home…and get a new girlfriend.
This is the only major drinking holiday in which you are forced to pack asshole to elbows with people who don’t know how to drink. You can get some space on the 4th of July and Memorial Day when you’re bronzing on the beach. I’m not packing in with the plain white Ts and jorts this New Years in Fort Lauderdale.
That’s sounds like loser talk right there.
^^ Still thinks he will have the time of his life, get laid.
Taking the Lloyd Christmas approach, so you’re telling me there’s a chance?
There isn’t.
2008 Detroit Lions caliber of comments! I’m honored.
Bartending tonight at a nicer restaurant. Bringing a DJ and doing the NYE works. May as well make a couple extra bucks, get a decent buzz and watch people my parents age make asses of themselves.
If it was a legit nice restaurant there would be live music, DJs are for middle school dances and shitty weddings.