Ranking The Best Fictional Cuckings

Ranking The Best Fictional Cuckings

Before the tragedy that was the entire year of 2016, being a “cuck” was reserved for a much funnier definition. According to Urban Dictionary, “cucked” is defined as:

Synonymous with “cuckolded.” One whose wife has had sexual relations with another man (in modern use, often with the husband’s approval) has been cucked.

When his wife took her lover in front of him, he knew he had been cucked.

While normally it’s never great to make fun of a real-life cuck, we can all appreciate a solid cucking in our favorite movies and TV Shows, usually because the one being cucked is usually a dick.

9. Major League: Jake Taylor Cucks Tom

Fresh out of the Mexican League and back in The Show, what’s Jake Taylor’s first order of business? Cuck the shit out of his ex-girlfriend’s new flame. A tad scummy on paper, but Jake was the moral soul of that movie, and Tom was a yuppie asshole. If Jake hadn’t followed Lynn (an in her prime Rene Russo) home in that bullpen cart, we would’ve resented him for it.

8. King Of The Hill: John Redcorn Cucks Dale

Despite authoring this post, I’m no cuck expert, so I’m honestly not sure this really counts. Sure Dale was the victim of a 14-year affair between his wife & John Redcorn, but out of sheer naivete and a lifestyle that portrays him as a chain-smoking and far more likable Alex Jones, he was never aware of it. Yeah, he’s got a son that has 0% of his DNA but if the love is still there, did Dale even get cucked at all?

7. Beauty In The Beast: The Beast Cucks Gaston

This isn’t a traditional cuck in terms of man cucking another man’s wife/girlfriend, as it was plainly known by everyone that Belle was repulsed by Gaston. Well, known to everyone but Gaston. Gaston, despite having a song dedicated essentially to the fact that he’s awesome and that he fucks, was the ultimate fuckboy. A huge part of being a fuckboy is refusing to acknowledge reality about yourself, and this musket-toting, low v-neck shirt-havin, steroid user-lookin ass couldn’t swallow the fact that he’d struck out with Belle about as hard as one could strike out.

Which is why getting cucked by a giant wildebeest-bear hybrid creature really stung his ass. When he rushed that castle at the end of the movie, he wasn’t looking out for the safety of the village. Gaston bum rushed that fortress with a mob because his ego was destroyed after losing the baddest woman in all the land to a literal animal.

6. Friday Night Lights: Tim Riggins Cucks Jason Street

While I haven’t firsthand witnessed this, as I never binged FNL, word of a savage cucking of a recently paralyzed football star makes the rounds. Couldn’t not include this one. Possibly the worst feeling cuck job of this entire list.

5. Friends: Susan Cucks Ross

The old “wife leaves you for another woman cuck” is a tale as old as time. Despite the animosity on the internet for being a fuckboy that has followed Ross around like the scent from a sharted pair of underwear, you’ve gotta feel for the guy a bit. Love wins, but damn Ross took a big L. It’s a horse pill to swallow when your wife finds out she’s both gay and carrying your child.

However, Ross isn’t to be sympathized with too much, as this does open the door to a long flirtation with Jennifer Aniston, and according to my extremely Friends-savvy girlfriend, doesn’t appear to be quite a hands-on father to his first child in later seasons.

4. Cast Away: Chuck Noland Cucks Kelly’s Husband

A different kind of cuck here, as this is more of an emotional and soul-crushing cuck job than an actual “steal yo girl” situation. There’s no way in hell he slept soundly through that living room map on the table pow-wow that Chuck and Kelly had while they “caught up.”

And, if he was awake for that, he definitely was awake for the rain-soaked makeout sesh that happened in the street immediately following the in-house convo. Homeboy just sat up in the bedroom like Keith Urban when Skarsgard planted one on Nicole Kidman; there’s just nothing he could do.

While they still woke up married the next morning, there’s no way that Chuck Nolan isn’t swimming in that guy’s dome on a daily basis for the rest of time. That was a damn devastating cuck if I’ve ever seen one.

3. Ocean’s 11: Danny Ocean Cucks Terry Benedict

Danny (hand clap emoji) robs (hand clap emoji) his (hand clap emoji) casino (hand clap emoji) AND (hand clap emoji) steals (hand clap emoji) his (hand clap emoji) girl.

2. Titanic: Jack Dawson Cucks Cal Hockley

He didn’t cuck for a long time, but he cucked for a good time. This was a feel-good cuck; the one we rooted for. No one, and I mean NO ONE, on this list got cucked harder than Cal Hockley. Like every other member of this list he got his woman swooped by an usurper, but only Cal got hit with the line “I’d rather be his whore than your wife.” Fucking cuck savagery.

Cal arrived on the Titanic engaged and rich as hell. He left that ship single AF, with his ex-fiance preferring pretending to be dead and using a dead guy’s last name over staying hitched to him. Oh, and keeping his priceless diamond as personal compensation for what a jackass Cal is. Billionaire Cal Hockley got mercilessly cucked by what essentially amounts to a 1910’s hobo, which shows both what powerhouse swagger Jack Dawson had, and that money can’t buy you out of being cucked like an asshole.

1. The Notebook: Noah Cucks Lon

Did you have any doubt? The movie poster is literally Noah and Allie making out in the rain mid-cuck. If there’s any cucked guy on this list not named Jason Street who deserves to have one poured out for him it’s old Lon Hammond Jr. That guy was a #1 draft pick who just got sent into a losing situation. Successful, charming, and played by James Marsden who’s handsome as fuck- guy had it all. But, sometimes a cucking occurs simply when you encounter an unbeatable force, and Ryan Gosling is an unbeatable force as there is.

When we witness a cuckold happen in on-screen, it goes over much smoother with the viewer when the cuck recipient is a piece of shit like Gaston, which is what makes watching Lon take that bullet that much more brutal. However, because of the sterling qualities I listed previously, as well as old Southern money, I choose to believe that Lon rebounded just fine.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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