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Take a deep breath, ladies and gentlemen. You smell that? It’s the smell of spilled beer, mingled perfumes, and freedom. It’s the smell of yet another Friday night on the horizon. No matter how awesome your week was, don’t lie to yourself. You’ve had one eye on this day since your alarm went off Monday morning. Now it’s finally here, and your only question should be “what am I drinking?” Luckily, I’m here to make your Friday even easier with the answer to that.
If you’re reading my column, I’m assuming you live somewhere in the U.S. of A, and the political and social climate has been rocky this week. You’ve likely been stuck in at least one discussion about the NFL kneeling issue with a co-worker you really didn’t want to get political with. What better way to drink away that memory and remind yourself what it truly means to be an American than with a handful of cold Coors Light? If you hate your taste buds you can even toss some Buds or Millers in there, but whatever you choose, keep it cheap. No need to break the bank or your liver on your first round of the day. Put down a nice base of 4% ABVs and ease into the weekend.
One Shot Of Whiskey
I know several of you that went out last night just recoiled from your computer screen in horror. I get it. A shot to start the night? That sounds crazy. But when you think about it, it’s really your only option. You’re tired. You worked hard(ish) this week, and you’ve been up since 7 am. You need something to shock your system, get you riled up, and fight away the desire to ride your buzz right into bed and pass out watching a Netflix documentary by 9 pm. Whiskey will perk you up and get you back into social mode. The liquor will kick your brain in the dick, letting you know that, goddamn it, you only get a finite number of Fridays in your life, and more importantly, there are hot people out there just waiting for you to hit on them. Listen to the whiskey.
A Nice Cocktail
At this point, you should have completed your pregame/happy hour and made it to the actual bar. You’re rocking a decent buzz. Not enough to get you on the dance floor or into a fight with a stranger, but enough to be enjoying what is essentially a loud room full of bad smells. Now’s the time to put out a fucking vibe. An Old Fashioned. A Martini. I’ve heard it’s the year of Campari-Sodas. Whatever you pick, make it something a little nicer than your standard drink order. It’s Friday night, and you deserve to treat yo’ self. You’ll be murdering your tongue with well drinks soon enough, at least give your palate something to enjoy first.
I hope you enjoyed that fancy cocktail, you pansy, because now it’s time for the real deal. G&Ts. Voddie Sodas. Jack n’ Cokes if you’re still in college. It’s time to rage, and these drinks are your meat and potatoes. They’re cheap, you know how they affect you, and you know how many of them to drink before you turn into a zombie. Keep one of these firmly in your left hand at all times and go forth into the wild unknown (go hit on some people). You should be in your sweet spot of drunkenness about now and as much as you practice, you still never know how long that will last. Make the most of it by spitting some game.
A Shot Of Tequila
I’m not saying this is the right choice. In fact, I’m definitely saying it’s not. Should you take this shot? No. Will you inevitably take this shot? Yes. Someone in your group will suggest shots, you’ll go around the circle naming the alcohols you veto (vodka, gin, rum) before ending up on something everyone dislikes equally. You’ll take the shot, make the face, bite the lime, and then within a few minutes, realize that it was actually a great idea. You’re wrong, of course. That’s just the tequila talking. Much like a parasite, as soon as you let it in your body, it alters your brain chemistry to make you think you want it there. Maybe you’ll stop at just one. Maybe you won’t. I don’t know how much willpower you have. Either way, this will tip you over from “a solid buzz” to “I’m hammered.”
Domestic Beers: Round Two
Turns out tequila at 11 pm is not the move for surviving the night. Time to go back to the basics. I would say take a break and drink water for an hour, but we all know that will never happen. Switching to a few brewskis is pretty much the same thing as sobering up. At least, that what you’ll tell yourself with your drunken logic. Are you still ingesting alcohol and getting more intoxicated? Maybe technically, but come on, you’re not going to do much damage with a few beers.
A Vodka Redbull
Whaaaat the fuck. You’ve been preaching sobriety for the last hour trying to counteract that shot (and the last six hours of drinking), and now you go and do this. One on hand, I get it. It’s 1 am and if you have any chance of staying out much longer you’re going to need what amounts to a grownup Four Loko. On the other hand, you’re a psycho. While we’ve all convinced ourselves that the Redbull will keep us up, the truth is the vodka is what wins out. It’s a real “one step forward, two steps back” situation, and you’re about to find that out firsthand.
You survived the night. Let’s be honest, you probably didn’t get laid and are back at home inhaling a frozen pizza. For the love of God, chug some water. You’ll be back at it, day drinking in just a few hours, and your only chance of survival is to drink more water than you thought was humanly possible. Everyone who says “drink a large glass of water before bed and you won’t have a hangover” is a fucking liar who doesn’t drink enough. Chug an obscene amount of water to wash down your pizza, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll wake up feeling okay tomorrow.
Enjoy the night..
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