Let’s Bring Silk Boxers Back

Let's Bring Silk Boxers Back

Given the intense focus with which we approach our careers, I firmly believe it is important to approach our social lives with a casual, pleasant, even apathetic disposition. We should do what we want, when we want, how we want, and enjoy ourselves regardless. There is too much pressure out there to be part of the group, and while I love hanging out with my friends more than anything, I believe you also have to be comfortable enjoying yourself. Be comfortable with who you are. Be comfortable in what you wear. All that self-help garbage. This leads me to the Silkworm Theory.

Silk boxers are the male equivalent of sexy lingerie, and wearing them out and about is a power move. They’re just bold enough to garner interest but not so bold that they’ll scare off the quarry. They’re the most underrated asset to caress your assets when it’s crunch time, and they’re even more effective when the girl knows you’re wearing them. I would know. I’ve tested this theory in a double blind closed self-study. Silk boxers have about a 69% weighted success rate (wSR in terms of seduction sabermetrics) in a combination of dates and casually going out. Success is measured as a drunken make out session or better, and the wSR adjusts the success rate based on what happened at the end of the night. The Silkworm Theory has a modicum of reputability in this respect.

So, what makes silk boxers so effective? Who knows? Maybe they get you in the right mindset, like when a baseball player is on a hitting streak and the bat he’s been using just feels right in his hands or when a star football player eats the same meal before every big game. Maybe it just allows you to relax and allows free blood flow. Maybe women just think it’s hot. You know, hot. Whatever happened to just plain old hot? It must have gotten lost in the shuffle of useless Men’s Health and Cosmo articles about sex and seduction techniques.

Whatever the reason, they seem to work pretty well in interactions with the fairer sex — but don’t get cocky. Silk boxers aren’t as effective in other areas of your life. I wear my silk boxers exclusively on dates or going out. These are short-term events where the enhanced comfort and lack of proper airflow aren’t issues. These aren’t for daytime wear during the spring and summer and shouldn’t even be an afterthought for the gym. And they definitely are not for work. I can’t wear them at work because the last thing I need is the blood flowing in the wrong direction when I’m on an important conference call. The Silkworm Theory needs to stay as far away from the workplace as possible.

In conclusion, while additional experimentation still needs to be done, there is a decent amount of evidence that the Silkworm Theory is directly correlated with increased success in the wild. During mating season, you need all the competitive advantages you have at your disposal. So just don’t come around my neighborhood following my advice. Me? Well, if you ever see me out on a date or talking to a girl at a bar, you can be 69% sure I’m wearing silk boxers.

Image via Shutterstock

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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