If You Don’t Have Access To A Pool, Your Summer Is Going To Suck

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Ahhh, summer. The crown jewel of the four seasons is almost here. The bulky knee-length winter coats are gone, and in their stead women are donning white pants, short shorts, and (God bless) sundresses. The days of paying surge pricing to shuttle yourself through a blizzard to a bar filled with people desperate to find a warm body to go home with are gone. Now, your weekends will be filled with nothing but drinking cold beers in the warm sun. You can lounge on your rooftop deck or bar patio, you can tan on your local beach, and above all the rest, you can get your swim on in a pool.

Truly, there is nothing better than waking up on a Saturday and spending all day in the chlorine-blue water, lounging on floaties and sipping on margs. What’s that you say? You don’t have access to a pool? Well, this column just got awkward, because your summer is going to suck.

I can already hear you crying in outrage. “I don’t need a pool to have fun, my local bar has a rooftop patio, and it’s wicked sweet.” Oh yeah? And how long can you stand up there under the blazing sun? Within an hour, you’ll be back in the confines of the cool bar, ordering ice water instead of booze in a desperate attempt to stave off the headache you now have. Your body isn’t used to the sun. You’re a pasty shell of the person you were last August, and your ability to get wasted in the sun for hours on end peaked at the 2012 homecoming tailgate. Also, most bars that I’ve been thrown out of get pretty salty when you go shirtless on their premises, so in addition to getting sun sick, you can enjoy a nice tank top tan for the rest of the summer.

Of course, there’s always the beach. The beach is undoubtedly awesome. Be it on lake Michigan or the beautiful Pacific Ocean, nothing beats feeling the sand between your toes and tossing a football back and forth six feet to your buddies. Oh, you want to throw it further than that? Good fucking luck, because June through August, the beach is going to be more packed than cousin’s night at an Arkansas strip club. There’ll be European dudes rocking man-thongs strutting their stuff up and down the beach, high schoolers playing grab ass and screaming about how many shots of Bacardi Limon they’ve had, and hammered college co-eds reminding you how old you are. Seriously, nothing kills a relaxing beach vibe like watching 21-year-old kids slamming jungle juice with the confidence of knowing they’ll shake off their hangover by 10 a.m. the next day. You, on the other hand, are drinking a sixer of moderately priced ales, knowing full well you’ll still have a lingering headache on Monday morning when you get to work. Also, how often can you realistically visit the beach? Unless you have a lake house or beach front property (if so, feel free to slide in my DMs with an invite), you’re not going to get your toes in that water more than a handful of times all summer.

In the great Lake Vs. Ocean Debate of 2016, the clear winner was actually the pool. A pool is like training wheels for your day drinking. You can lie out in the sun for hours on end, slamming drinks, and the cool water will stop your body from overheating like a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee. There’s no bouncer to kick you out for going shirtless, so your body will become an even shade of bronze (or more likely lobster red, since you’ll get too drunk and forgot to reapply sunscreen).

Also, pool access is constant, private, and has a much lower chance of accidentally stepping on a used needle that washed up on shore. While oceans and lakes are both great for weekend trips and raging, nothing gives off a relaxed, “I’m prepared to do nothing but chill all summer” vibe like a pool. You’ll have easy access to a blender for Margs, Pina Coladas, Mai Tais, and every other vacation drink possible. You can’t have a worry in the world with a fresh Pina Colada in your hand. It’s scientifically impossible.

Finally, having access to a pool maximizes the amount of time you spend outdoors, even after dark. What happens after the sun goes down on the lake or ocean? It get’s cold, that’s what, and you go back inside, wasting away the greatest season of the year. But you know what (almost always) comes hand in hand with a pool? That’s right, a Jacuzzi. Just ’cause the sun goes down doesn’t mean the party stops when you’ve got a toasty warm ‘cuzz to hop into. There’s nothing like the warm, 103-degree embrace of a whirlpool when you’ve got your buzz on, not to mention it’s the easiest way to get laid outside of owning a tea cup pig. My good friend had a pool/Jacuzzi all through high school, and I can honestly say I would have lost my virginity three years later if it wasn’t for that hot tub. If you don’t have a pool, have parents with a pool, or have friends with a pool, it’s time for you to make a change. Get a new house, new friends, or new parents, because summer without a pool is practically spring, and spring is the worst.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice:

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