If I Were Making The Schedule

If I Were Making The Schedule

I don’t consider myself an entrepreneur in any sense of the word. Most days, I don’t have the will power to make my dinner, never mind start a functioning business that will contribute to this crazy society. But let this serve as a message to all future employees should I grow the stones to do something for myself besides blogging – we will not work on holidays. If you’re thinking, “Ok, well nobody works on major holidays,” just stop yourself right there, buffoon. I’m an American and we will celebrate any and all American holidays. Let’s just go through the list:

January 1st – New Year’s
January 2nd – Really shouldn’t have to explain here…Science says it takes an hour to reduce your BAC .02%…I’m just looking out for y’all.
January 19th – MLK day
February 2nd – Super Bowl Monday/Groundhog Day/Tom Brady Appreciation Day (I’m a Patriots fan, deal with it.)
February 16th – President’s Day
March 6th – Employee Appreciation Day (I’m a giver, what can I say?)
Week of 3/16-3/20: One of the great weeks we have to offer…St. Paddy’s and March Madness. Note: It is a requirement that at least one Guinness be consumed and the blood alc. cannot fall below .08.
April 3rd – Good Friday
April 6th – Easter Monday/MLB Opening Day
April 20th – Patriot’s Day/Earth Day/4-20
May 5th – Cinco de Mayo
May 25th – Memorial Day
June 19th – Father’s Day Friday
June 22nd – Father’s Day Monday
July 3rd – Independence Day Observed (Bet your ass we’re taking this off…Rock, Flag, and Eagle)
July 31st – MLB Trade Deadline (Out of RE5PECT to Nomar)
August 10th – Victory Day (As great a holiday name as there is.)
September 7th – Labor Day
October 12th – Columbus Day
October 30th – Halloween Eve (T.O.F.T.B.)
November 11th – Veteran’s Day
November 26th – Thanksgiving Day
November 27th – Black Friday/Deeeep Food Coma but You’re Still Going to Mow Leftovers Day
December 24th – Christmas Eve
December 25th – Christmas
December 31st – New Year’s Eve

In reviewing this, I’m gagging at the thought of one holiday in August. So here’s my compromise. After May, we’ll only work half days on Friday if all the requirements below are met:

∙ The cloud cover is greater than 50%
∙ The temperature is between 50 and 60 degrees Fahrenheit
∙ There’s a chance of precipitation
∙ I don’t have a baseball game that night
∙ If I feel like it
∙ I’m not too hungover

I’m also going to reserve the right to flex in some other key days off. For planning purposes, these flex days will be centered solely around playoffs – Pats in January, B’s/C’s in May & June, and the Sox in October (Or your favorite professional sports teams).

Now, I’m no Einstein, but see if you can follow me here…30 holidays, 52 weekends, and a 4-month stretch of potential half-days (but really off-days)…looking at a teacher’s schedule and hopefully Jordan Belfort’s salary. I know a guy at the Better Business Bureau, so I may be able to slide on some paperwork/taxes, but I want to let you know beforehand…I’d keep your résumé and passports up to date and a suitcase packed. If you’re down to ride, there’s always room on the bullet train to hell…I’ll be sitting in first class.

Now accepting applications.

Image via Shutterstock

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Washed up college basketball player. Men's league superstar. Creator of Hawaiian Shirt Thursday's.

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