Things Girls Do After Graduation: Go Gluten-Free

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Things Girls Do After Graduation: Go Gluten-Free

“I feel bloated,” she says to herself lying in bed on Sunday morning with her arms fully extended above her while scrolling Instagram. Todd, completely naked, is turned on his side facing the opposite wall and will surely do a double-take when he wakes up and is not sure where he is.

Thinking about how many cranberry-vodkas she had the night before, she can’t help but think about how much sugar she drank prior to getting a piece of street meat on her stumble home.

“Todd, get up. We’re going to the store,” she barks. They hop into Todd’s Suburban as Todd prays he doesn’t get a DUI because he’s still hammered from the night before. Meanwhile, she fervently types “Whole30 Diet” and “Benefits of Atkins” into her phone in order to formulate an on-the-spot grocery list that will whip her body back into shape.

“Hmm, Whole30 seems too intense and I don’t like steak all that much,” she mumbles while Todd listens to Hootie & The Blowfish. “Maybe I should give up dairy. Or like, Christine went gluten-free. I wonder what that’s all about.”

“Yeah, totally,” Todd blindly responds having no idea what she’s talking about.

Thinking she can use a fake “gluten allergy” as a means to go completely gluten-free, she weighs and balances the idea of going all-in on it. “Miley Cyrus gave up gluten and dairy because of an allergy, so why not me?” She knows Miley did away with gluten because she simply wanted to be naked in front of everyone on Instagram, but that’s just a tacit understanding among girls ages 20 to 29, so no one says anything.

Arriving at the market, she goes directly to the gluten-free section while Todd mulls around near the Gatorades and considers buying a beer from the attached restaurant. From Bob’s Red Mill Flower to $10 gluten-free noodles, crackers, and cookies, she blindly fills her cart and makes her way to the checkout. Having no idea where Todd is, she pulls up her Find Friends app and sees he’s within shouting distance.

“Good, he’s still here. I can’t carry all of this alone and he’s crazy if he thinks I’m paying for it all.”

Upon returning to her apartment, she tears open the refrigerator and starts throwing all her old food into the garbage while simultaneously unloading everything gluten-free into the refrigerator.

“What are you doing? That’s all perfectly good food,” Todd says, quickly realizing he should not have said that.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Todd? It is all filled with gluten,” she barks back, praying he doesn’t ask why gluten is bad for you because she blatantly has no idea.

Todd makes up an excuse to head back to his place, when in reality, he’s just looking to go to the nearest bar with his friend Pete for endless bloodies with some Miller Lite sidecars.

Taking her gluten campaign to Pinterest, she fills her newly created board — “Gluten is the devil.” — with gluten-free recipes she’s finding on her favorite lifestyle and clean eating blogs. She spends the rest of her day lounging around her apartment with Sperry eating gluten-free rice cakes and gluten-free avocado toast with the gluten-free bread she bought.

Meeting up with Caroline and Katie for happy hour at their favorite oyster bar, she specifically requests that they keep the saltine crackers away from her.

“How can you not like saltines?” Caroline wonders.

“You know, health reasons,” she says with an uppity tone that makes Caroline and Katie question every eating decision they’ve made since they graduated.

Already feeling skinnier because of the public’s perception and her sound decision making at the restaurant, her face is glowing with every sip of champagne she takes.

“I wonder what Todd’s doing,” she ponders as she yet again opens Find Friends to check where he is.

But what she sees troubles her — “Location Unavailable.”

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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