I Took My First Bath In Years And It Changed My Whole Perspective

I Took My First Bath In Years And It Changed My Whole Perspective

Up until yesterday, the only thing I thought I had in common with Winston Churchill was a predilection for whiskey. Last Saturday night was a reprieve. A break from the norm. I had two beers at a bar near my apartment and decided to call it a night right around 11:00 p.m. I had no interest in being out any later than that because I had a few errands to run the next morning. When I awoke Sunday morning, I knew exactly what my body needed.

Turning twenty-five is not the thrill ride that everyone thinks it is. Just kidding, everyone knows your life is over once you turn twenty-five. My body is starting to break down. Whenever someone on COPS is talking to a police officer about how much they’ve had to drink, their answer always seems to be “I had two beers tonight, Officer.” It’s always two beers. This is, of course, total bullshit. But after a relatively tame night in which I literally had two beers, I woke up feeling hungover, cranky, and disoriented.

If you’re not aware, I live in an apartment building that could most aptly be described as bougie. Everything is brand new, which affords me an opportunity that I have never attempted in past apartments. I’m speaking, of course, about baths. Places I’ve lived in previously were usually toeing a fine line between relatively clean and disgusting. I’d never dare take a bath in one of those places. Hell, I wore flip flops when I took showers in a house that I lived in during college.

So when I got settled into my new digs here in Austin, I figured what the hell. I couldn’t remember the last time I took a bubble bath before last night. Churchill was a notorious proponent of the bath. I don’t think he necessarily liked baths more than showers, but when you’re as fat and drunk as Churchill was, I think the main concern was comfort. Why stand when you can lie down?

Now, if you’re getting in a bathtub to get clean, you’re doing it wrong. That’s just a fact. Soaking yourself in a pool of water as the dirt from your skin floats all around you does not equate to cleanliness. And we all know that cleanliness is next to Godliness. I always thought using a bath as a means to get clean was sort of an oxymoron. And it is if the primary purpose of your bath is to wash yourself. That’s mistake number one.

What I’m talking about is a stress reliever. Take a shower beforehand so you’re not soaking in your own filth. This is something we should all be doing following a long weekend or a rough day at the office. Head over to your local grocer, get some Johnson’s baby bubble bath and maybe some epsom salt or an oatmeal based soak. Grab a couple of cheap scented candles labeled “Vanilla Bean” or “Freshly Laundered” and place them at the foot of your tub.

Exfoliate your skin with that oatmeal based soak. Just fucking relax. Hop on Spotify, Apple Music, or Tidal and throw Enya’s Greatest Hit’s on at a low volume. Immerse yourself in a tub filled with warm water as “Caribbean Blue” takes you to a faraway land where nothing hurts and everything is fun. Don’t believe me? Play this right now and tell me soaking in a bathtub doesn’t sound fucking amazing right now.

It’s Monday morning. I’m sure a lot of you are not feeling particularly great. We’ve got a massive four day weekend coming up. I need everyone at 110% by Friday afternoon. You need a bubble bath tonight like you need air to breathe.

Image via Shutterstock

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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