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I had a hot date this weekend. When I have something special like that coming up, I like to go all out. This means I go get my nails done. Friday, I went to my favorite nail salon for a fresh mani/pedi. I walked into the salon, picked out the brightest blood red nail polish they had, and was ushered to a chair at the end of the row. Seated next to me was a brunette rocking a messy bun on top of her head with a phone pressed to her ear. Little did I know, I was about to witness the most Stone Cold Steve Austin breakup of the century. I whipped out my handy dandy iPhone and went straight for the Twitter. This was about to get wild.
The girl sitting right next to me at the nail salon is breaking up with her boyfriend on the phone. While she's getting her nails done.
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "Listen, you had to have known this was coming. Especially after what happened at formal." Omg what happened at formal
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "My Big is so pissed off at you she still won't talk to me about it. Literally I just can't deal with this anymore"
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "All you're going to do all summer is act like a drunk asshole and play golf with your friends. Like, I have plans"
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall idk how this girl doesn't think a guy is going to get drunk and play golf in the summer that is what they do
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "I know, I know. But I graduate in December. We talked about this. Don't get upset, I'm in public" *makes eye contact w/me*
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall she literally just cut this dude off mid conversation and asked the nail lady: "Um could you make them a little more square"
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "Listen, Jordan. We knew this wasn't going to work. Stop tagging me in Instagrams right now"
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "You fucking made out with another girl in front of me. I literally cannot" Oh okay this must have been formal here we go
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "No, I don't forgive you. My GroupMe has photos, Jordan. I cannot deal with this right now…no, you can't come over."
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "Just give me some space. I need to think about this. You really fucked up, Jordan." There are old ladies listening now
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "Me and Elise are going out in the city tonight. Don't call me this weekend. I don't think you can fix this one this time"
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall "Yeah ok, I'll text you later." She hangs up, looks over at me, and fucking giggles. I am looking at Lucifer himself
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall I'm about to lose it laughing. She's fervently texting in her GroupMe probably totally roasting our dawg Jordan here
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall she is leaving. She's cackling while reading her phone. Oh my, I think our boy Jordan is really in for it this time
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
@taylor_stovall she just pranced out of the building. Jordan is a dead man. Don't cheat on your girl, boys. Or we will literally kill you.
— Taylor Stovall (@taylor_stovall) May 13, 2016
This chick is about to go scorched earth on this dude. She’s coming for you, Jordan. She’s got a fresh mani and she’s about to murder your ass with a smile on her face. Tread lightly, boys. Cheat on your girl and you’re gonna have hell to pay..
Respond
@taylordoestweet
@itsthestovallshow
sexychocolate
Jordan, if you’re out there, let’s get drunk and play golf this summer. You sound awesome.
You still owe us a Denis interview (unless I missed it somewhere).
Jordan’s probably gonna go get drunk and play golf with his friends and she’s probably gonna cry once she’s in solitude. He’s then gonna come over, they’ll argue about petty, arbitrary shit like feelings for awhile then they’ll most likely have aggressive sex where they both say “I love you”. Jordan will leave and probably go get drunk again and she’ll probably cry again over a glass of wine and some Pretty Little Liars. This cycle will continue for about 2 more years then they get engaged by default and she’ll have a baby which will grow up emotionally fucked up because it has 2 parents that’s cant rationalize conversation and conflict resolution. The child will then continue he vicious cycle and then the human race will be in jeopardy of existing because we collectively can’t resolve our issues as a species any longer.
Yeah, there’s typos. Okay, I get it.
there’re* (kidding)
If only Todd could be more like Jordan…
I need to know what happened to Jordan
100% that girl got tag teamed that night in the city.
While Elise snapchats it to Jordan.
Nah. She was definitely too focused on posting instagram photos to show Jordan how much fun she was having to actually get any D.
I will protect Jordan from this demon witch. Stand strong, brother: the Lord is with you!
Having watched this unfold and called for the live tweet, you did us a massive favor keeping the masses updated
Takeaways:
1. Guys are dumb
2. Girls are dumb
3. Girls are dumb and evil
4. Good luck, Jordan. Especially if you have a sub-par wang.
Jordan will be fine. Sub-par wangs are FAF.
That is Regina George incarnate.
The term “savage” gets thrown around too much these days but I think it’s appropriate here.