Here’s To You, Flashy Sock Guy

Oh, man, I didn’t see you there, Flashy Sock Guy. That is until you lifted up your pant leg for the tenth time tonight to show the other party goers how zany your socks are. Tell me, where’d you get those? Nordstrom? Barneys? Spencer’s Gifts?

For the longest time I’ve wondered, “How can I dress down my expensive suit in an effort to suck the class out of it?” And now I have an answer – by buying a pair of striped, polka dotted, or wildly colored argyle socks that I can show everyone even though they didn’t ask. It’s the perfect accessory to show that your personality is lacking the edge that your ankles are making up for.

Don’t get me wrong, Flashy Sock Guy. I know it sounds like I’m making fun of you, but I’m really not. I admire you. I love that you spit in the face of convention. I look up to you for having the balls to enter this formal wedding filled with drab blues and grays wearing purple and yellow socks that cause everyone to say, “Hey, look at that guy with the crazy socks.” It’s really amazing stuff.

In a world where we used to have Piano Key Necktie Guy before it became Wild Pocket Square Guy, we’ve now been blessed with your presence. In your mind, you “get” it. And that’s awesome. You know that deep down under your Jos A. Bank, you’ve got a wild side. You live on the edge. You can’t be tamed.

If you wouldn’t mind, can I trouble you to leave this conversation you’re having with this group of wedding goers and ask you a few questions about your socks? Do you have multiple pairs, or does one pair of crazy socks do for your entire wardrobe? How much is too much to pay for a pair of wild socks? With variety being the spice of life, I’d assume you have to have quite the backstock of flash socks, right?

Oh, I’m sorry, Flashy Sock Guy. Can you hold on for a second? Look at all the groomsmen sitting at the wedding party table. Look at that – it’s amazing. Are my eyes deceiving me, or are they all wearing flashy socks? Oh my word, they are. Do you think they took a photo before the wedding where they all lifted their pants up to show their flashy socks all at once? Do you think the groom provided the flashy socks, or do you think they were instructed to each purchase their own flashy socks in preparation for the wedding?

With this many flashy socks around, I feel like a minority in a sea of people being “different.” Between Shark Tank‘s Damon Dash flash socks and Rob Kardashian’s flashy socks, I can’t help but ask myself, “Why aren’t you wearing flashy socks when tastemakers like that are clearly owning that look?” My socks are so monotonous. One day it’s blue, the next it’s black, and after that it’s gray. The cycle never ends and I don’t feel as though my creativity is validated anymore with just the conversations I have with people when I look down and see a pair of flashy socks that force me to take a backseat.

“Dammit, there’s another pair of flashy socks,” I say to myself. “I should get myself some flashy socks so everyone knows how much spice and edge I can bring to the table.” If I don’t have a pair of flashy socks, how will people know that I’m not just a corporate drone or another generic dude? I feel so inadequate.

I’ll tell you what, Flashy Sock Guy. Let’s go to the bar and get you a drink. I want to hear more about you and your flashy socks. What’s that? You want a Mike’s Hard? You know what, make that two. Let’s live a little.

Here’s to you, Flashy Sock Guy. Never stop being you.

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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