I Just Ate A Family Size Stouffer’s Lasagna All By Myself

I Just Ate A Family Size Stouffer's Lasagna All By Myself

I just ate a Stouffer’s Family Size Meat Lasagna all by myself.

I never set out to be a trendsetter. I don’t anticipate this catching on. But eating a plateful of unfrozen cheese, meat and noodles that has been deemed ‘suitable for an entire family’ is perhaps my greatest accomplishment of 2016. Accomplishment is being used here in the most neutral sense possible.

Eating two pounds and six ounces of processed nourishment in 12 minutes does have its downsides though. For example: I feel disgusting and sick and I think I just gained six pounds. I can feel my innards wheezing as they brace themselves for another voluminous bite of lasagna to rain fire down my gullet.

Here is the problem: Lasagna is good, and I am alone and poor. This is not exactly a healthy combination. I can feel the arteries in my heart clogging with every bite and I know I shouldn’t eat any more. But as soon as one as I gulp down a meaty, cheesy, noodley bite, I can’t help but take my white plastic fork and stab at more lasagna with such force that it punctures the paper plate beneath it.

I don’t feel good about myself for doing this. There is a restaurant that specializes in salads across the street. If I look outside, I can see the trendy postgrads locking up their bicycles and going inside to pick up a ‘Salad-2-Go.’ All I would have to do is put on some sweatpants and slippers and walk across the street and buy a cob salad or some shit.

But that would cost money and time, both of which are precious resources. And walking across the street can be dangerous and I don’t have health insurance. I just realized that typing 200 words in ten minutes has left me out of breath.

I would have made a healthier meal in my kitchen, but I don’t have a dishwasher and the food in my refrigerator has been compromised by the sour milk on the shelf. Also an issue: I don’t know how to cook meals that aren’t frozen lasagnas.

You are probably asking yourself: Why have I read six paragraphs about this poor failure eating a family-size meat lasagna? This isn’t the content I have come to expect.

Well, PGP pays me money to write this column. And with that money I can buy three, maybe four, salads. Those salads can offset the two other family sized lasagnas that are resting in my freezer.

So perhaps tomorrow, after I eat a turkey and American cheese sandwich for lunch with a ziploc bag full of Fritos (retail price: $3.49), I will come home, go on a run and buy a kale salad from “Delicious Greens.”

But chances are I just make another frozen lasagna.

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