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The following is a transcript of a text conversation with Caroline regarding Alex that took place Tuesday morning.
Girl: Can I ask you something?
Caroline: Le duh. What’s up?
Girl: OMG have you seen Alex lately?
Caroline: I feel like she’s just always traveling
Girl: If you’ve talked to her lately, I won’t get mad, promskis. I, like, get that you’re friends. And I, like, totally respect that.
Caroline: I mean, we went out for dollar oysters and champs last week, why?
Girl: Okay, like, this is going to sound so bitchy…
Caroline: omg, I can’t wait for this *Rose-Colored Cheeks Emoji*
Girl: Is she getting, like, SO skinny?
Caroline: I. Was. Going. To. Ask. You. The. Same. Thing.
Girl: Right? It’s like… does she even eat anymore?
Caroline: She did say she was full after, like, two oysters… *Monkey Covering Mouth Emoji*
Girl: Are you serial right now?
Caroline: I know, like, we KNOW she’s not engaged to Trip so it’s not like she’s getting skinny for a wedding any time soon…
Girl: lolololol we’re soooooo baddddddddddddd.
Caroline: What? I mean…it’s true…
Girl: I mean, we get it, Alex, you have a trust fund… but does she really have to post all those photos of her from Coachella looking like that?
Caroline: You could like see her rib in that last photo on insta where she has the crop top on.
Girl: I know, right? Jesus, like eat 12 hamburgers immediately.
Caroline: Maybe it’s the medicine she’s on for her “migraines”?
Girl: Like, if it is… how can I get some?
Caroline: Hahahahaha right?
Girl: I’m like so fat rn, it’s disgusting. Todd probably thinks he’s dating a whale lol.
Caroline: Shut the fuck up, Ms. Pure Barre. Your arms are twigs and everyone knows it.
Girl: Caroline, everyone knows you’ve lost weight too since you’ve been dating John. It’s like the opposite of putting on happy weight. Are you losing for something? You know… like a wedding?
Caroline: omg stop. John and I are, like, so far from that it’s not even funny.
Girl: Ughhhhh. Alex is such a bitch for losing 10 lbs.
Caroline: I hate her. But I also secretly want to know how the hell she did it.
Girl: I saw Megan’s snap from the other day and it literally looked like Alex ordered a burger. What the literal?!?
Caroline: omfg I saw that too!
Girl: Trip probably loves how skinny she is. I was like a stick when we dated and now I’m a fucking whale.
Caroline: You’re NOT fat!
Girl: Ugh, whatever. If I don’t lock it down soon, I’m going to be the biggest one at Sarah’s bachelorette in June.
Caroline: Stoppppppp itttttttt, you’re like Little Miss #FitChick
Girl: With Todd going to The Derby next week, I’m just going to like not drink until Memorial Day in Napa.
Caroline: Ugh, did I tell you that John is going now too?
Girl: lolol are you serious? should we be scared?
Caroline: They’ll behave themselves if they know what’s good for them. .
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