How To Speak Like You Actually Have Your Shit Together


Look I get it, I’ve been there. You’re sitting at your desk, reviewing your finances to determine if this is the month you can finally invest in that new set of razors and be done with it or if you’ll spend another few weeks convincing yourself that Pennsylvania Dutch is on trend this season. Money’s a little tight and you’re scraping by on a budget, Problem is, nobody wants to hear your student loan sob story. Let’s face it, listening to broke 20 somethings complain really bums people out, just watch an episode of Two Broke Girls. You can’t have people knowing what a sad sack of crap your life has turned into. If you want to make it big, you have to master the lingo.

I’m a huge fan of the phrase fake it till you make it. Looking cooler than Marshawn Lynch at an NFL-mandated press conference is easy, all you need is some fresh vocabulary:

“I’m converting my liquid assets into long term growth opportunities”

It’s foolproof. When was the last time anyone cared enough to strike up a conversation about your portfolio? They don’t need to know that the only thing you’ve diversified in the last six months is your lunch game. So what if your last investment took place in August as you dropped 50 bucks on the office fantasy league while drunkenly spouting off about Maurice Jones-Drew’s surefire comeback season. All that matters is that you clearly have a handle on finances, and a air tight excuse as to why you can’t chip in for Janet’s baby shower gift.

“I’ve always felt the key to my success is self reflection and constant improvement”

It’s not complete bullshit; you did pay for a gym membership this month. Plus, living on a steady regimen of scrambled eggs and rice has everyone convinced you’ve been dieting for the past six months. You haven’t looked this good since high school. As long as your coworkers don’t find out you’re hungrier than David Hasselhoff staring down a double whopper with cheese, they’ll be none the wiser. It’s all about how you spin it. Six-hour Netflix binge? Me time. 45 minute nap in the Handicap stall? Just a little R&R. Start calling the time you spend on your morning commute “meditation” and you might even convince yourself that you’re the Warren Buffett of introspection.

“Money’s just an object, human capital is the real key to wealth”

You gotta know how to play your strengths. You spent a little more money on Chipotle’s Sofritas this week than you’d like to admit, let “compensates-for-underwhelming-package” guy take care of the first round at happy hour. You sit back and enjoy your four dollar well whiskey and coke and wait for him to biff it with that dime from human resources. Don’t sweat it, You have two things going for you, a wealth of undeserved confidence and 2-3 solid pick up lines you’ve been waiting to try out. Just work your magic, hope your card doesn’t get declined in the cab back to your place and figure out an explanation as to why you have more roommates than the cast of Real World.

Carl Sagan once said, “It’s far better to grasp the universe as it really is, than to persist in delusion”. I say Carl Sagan can eat shit, a big bag of shit! The only thing holding you back from full blown baller status is your own mindset and your ability to sell it. We can’t all bullshit as hard as Charles Barkley at a Weight Watchers convention, but if you put in the leg work you’ll be breaking through the poverty line in no time.

Image via Shutterstock

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Smiling and dialing, I'm the Icky Woods of cold calls.

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