Listen, Bachelor: I really appreciate you giving us two nights of your show this week, but Sunday night? Really? Why must you make me choose between you, the fortieth anniversary special of Saturday Night Live, and the NBA All-Star Game? It was a real Sophie’s Choice moment. You could’ve easily done Monday and Tuesday night. I’m sure the world will be okay for one week without Marvel’s Agent Carter. It felt like my own three-on-one date, and I’ll be honest, I gave the rose to SNL. It was a better kisser than you. (What’s up, Bradley Cooper and Betty White?)
Chris Tells All, Kind Of
This week’s episode began with the “Chris Tells All” special, which, in reality, should’ve just been called the “Chris Tells Some, Kelsey Tells Some, Too, And Out Of Nowhere, Andi From Last Season Joins The Show To Tell Some, Too.”
Chris Harrison began by sitting down with Kelsey, presumably with two large men armed with tranquilizer guns standing on either side of the room.
His interview with Kelsey was funny, because after everything she said, the show would run a clip contradicting her. Kelsey would say, “I respect Ashley I.,” and then we’d see a shot of Kelsey disrespecting Ashley I. She’d say, “no, I don’t think I’m smarter than the other girls,” and we’d see a shot of Kelsey saying she thinks she’s smarter than the other girls. She’d say, “no, I didn’t murder my husband,” and we’d get a shot of Kelsey standing over a shadowy body holding a bloody knife.
Unfortunately, Chris never asked Kelsey what happened to her and Ashley I. in the Badlands.
Chris also sat down with Chris Soules to talk about the Badlands, Ashley S., Jimmy Kimmel, and why the heck Juelia spells her name with a random “e” in the middle. It was pretty uneventful.
Finally, Chris Harrison sat down with Andi from the last season of The Bachelorette to ask her about her recent breakup with her fiancé Josh. Chris seemed like the guy stuck in the friend zone trying to console the woman of his dreams. You could tell he wanted something more with Andi. The sexual tension was higher than Ashley S.
Overall, the “Chris Tells All” segment was lame and still left us with the one burning question that was on all of America’s mind: When’s the “Samantha Tells All”?
The Rose Ceremony, Kind Of
This week’s episode began with what was supposed to be a rose ceremony. During the cocktail hour, Megan pulled Chris aside to talk to him, and before we knew it, Chris sent Megan home. Wait, what? Yup. Going back to the two-on-one date in the Badlands, Chris had now sent home three girls in a row. At this rate, the last girl to talk with him privately will receive the final rose by default.
With Megan gone, the girls assumed there wouldn’t be a rose ceremony anymore, but Chris Harrison walked out and told the girls that someone would still be sent home. Ruthless. This drama lasted all of thirty seconds before Chris Soules asked if he could keep all of the girls. He admitted to Chris Harrison that he’s fallen in love with all of them, which then made me believe that Chris might be Mormon.
Chris Soules walked out to tell the girls there would be no rose ceremony and they’ll be spending the week in Iowa, which, compared to the last two weeks’ locations, probably seemed like Prague.
The First One-On-One Date
Jade received the first date card that read, “Join me in my hometown.” I can imagine Chris was up all night coming up with that clever invite. Then again, maybe he was just going for plain and cliché in honor of his hometown.
Jade arrived to Chris’s house. They hugged, and then he showed her his room and his field. It was as exciting as it sounds.
Chris then took Jade to downtown Arlington, which is basically just two buildings across the street from each other. The town was completely empty. Calling it a ghost town would be giving it too much credit, because even ghosts don’t hang out there. However, there is a coffee shop, which is less of a shop and more of a room that some local unlocks at the crack of dawn every morning to brew a pot of coffee for anyone who wants it.
Chris later took Jade to his old high school’s football game, where she met his parents, got to see the classroom where he had second period English, and ended up kissing him on the fifty yard line like in a Drew Barrymore movie or something.
The Second One-On-One Date
On this date, Chris spent the day with Whitney in Des Moines. They started at an art museum, looking at photos before going out to take some photos of their own.
That night, they went to dinner and out of nowhere, Chris’s three best friends showed up. You could instantly tell they were his best friends, because they were in their mid-thirties, slightly balding, and they couldn’t stop talking about Starmont football. Go Stars! They spent the night grilling Whitney with question after question. They didn’t really care for the answers, however. They just wanted to be able to tell their moms they talked to a pretty girl in Des Moines.
Chris ended the night by showing Whitney that one of the photos they took was turned into a poorly-painted mural on the side of a random building in Des Moines, which, for reference, is the most romantic thing you can do in Des Moines.
The Arlington Roadtrip
Back at the hotel, the girls decided to make the three-hour drive to Arlington to see Chris’s hometown for themselves. This was probably the first time anyone has ever willingly traveled to Arlington. Even the half-dozen people who live in Arlington do everything in their power to never return to Arlington.
The closer they got to Arlington, the faker Britt’s smile became. She even told the girls that she couldn’t see herself living there. It was probably because of the fake coffee shop. However, later in the day, she claimed the sunset changed her mind.
Jade Reveals Her Secret To Carly
Since her one-on-one date with Chris, Jade had a secret that really began weighing on her. She had to get something off her chest, and surprisingly, it wasn’t her top, because Jade’s secret is that she used to pose naked for nudie magazines. After failing to reveal her secret to Chris, she felt she just needed to tell someone. So, naturally, she pulled aside the most judgmental girl on the show, Carly. As she told her, Carly did a good job of keeping her emotions in check. No, I’m kidding. Her jaw dropped faster than Kelsey faking a panic attack.
The Group Date
The group date invite was addressed to Britt, Carly, and Kaitlyn, and it read, “Icy our futures together.” Ha! Pun. Nice. The main takeaway from this date was that Carly’s hatred for Britt was growing more and more. It got to the point where Carly drew a face on her hand and confronted it as if it was Britt. Even Ashley S. would’ve felt it was a little weird.
On this date, Britt told Chris they went to Arlington and she absolutely loved it. Then Carly told Chris that Britt absolutely hated it. So then Chris went back to Britt and asked if she could really see herself living in his hometown. Britt responded by saying, “I think it’s a good thing to try.” Excuse me? It’s marriage, Britt, not a free sample at Baskin-Robbins. You either get the whole scoop or you don’t.
Later, Chris pulled Kaitlyn aside. She basically told him that she hasn’t felt safe since their trip to Costco, which made her sound like a survivalist: “Hey, Y2K can still happen, man! You can never have too much bottled water and toilet paper!” Chris wanted to put her worries to rest, so he gave her a rose, even though she probably would’ve preferred to receive her roses in bulk.
When Kaitlyn and Chris returned, Britt pretty much berated Chris for his decision. She was upset that he’d been giving other girls attention. Her complaining made a lot of people upset because this happened only a week after Chris exclusively took Britt to a Big & Rich concert, but in Britt’s defense, you’d be complaining, too, if someone brought you to a Big & Rich concert.
Until next week….
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