Like any true blooded American white woman, I love two things: Zoloft and Pinterest. And because I am tired of getting nasty emails from our attorneys who use language like “drug pushing” and “rehab” and “Seriously, Catie, you have got to stop talking about pills or we are going to get sued,” I am only allowed to legally talk about one of those things. It’s unfortunate, I know, but we’ll get through it together with the help of…uhh…well, you know.
Perhaps the best thing about Pinterest is that it allows you to stalk the ever-loving shit out of people. Think I’m lying? Pull up Pinterest on the Google Box, type in “Catie Warren” and prepare to learn literally everything about me. You can see how I’ve decorated my bedroom, what my dream kitchen will look like, what kind of Christmas decorations I have in my home, my ring size, my favorite style of cooking, how I like to wear my hair, what kind of clothes I prefer, and how I plan on decorating the nursery for my 3rd born. A smart person might realize that I should put my shit on lock because of things like identity theft and fraud, but a vapid person (much like myself) realizes that Pinterest is the female equivalent of comparing penis sizes. It allows you to judge EVERYTHING about someone with the quite literal click of a button. Like I said, it’s amazing.
While there are many things one could obsess over concentrate on while perusing Pinterest, my current fave is home decor — and I’ve noticed that if you’re white and you have a vagina, then apart from the halo engagement ring occupying your left hand, this is what you put in your overstuffed and overpriced apartment.
Holy fucking shit do bitches love some empty frames. Bonus points for going to either Goodwill or a flea market to find them. God, you’re, like, so dedicated to vintage decor.
My favorite part about bar carts is that they’re completely useless. Who likes their liquor warm? Who wants to drink their liquor from a paper, glittery straw? Why would you want glitter in your drink? Wouldn’t that taste bad? And the wheels…don’t even get me started on the wheels. If you are the owner of a bar cart, you have as much chance of teetering around in your heels, pushing that damn thing around to your guests, making both drinks and small talk as you do finding your husband while sitting in your apartment watching reruns of “Friends” every Thursday – Monday. No. If you own a bar cart, there is about a 99% chance that, come one hour into the party, your drunk ass will be unable to say the words “Do you like this? It’s an Ikea hack!” much less know what a “hack” even is. Instead, you’ll be face down on your couch, trying not to vomit on those new chevron pillows you ordered from Etsy. Still, you have to have one — even if it’s just for show.
Fake Deer Head On The Wall
Gold antlers or GTFO. Are you even white? Do we need to check your melanin?
“Keep Calm And Carry On”
In order for it to count, this saying must be printed out and framed and matted. It then needs to be either featured atop your vanity or hung in your walk-in closet. If you really feel like going above and beyond, attribute the quote to either Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn — or, hey, why not both? Your friends will never even question it.
Two words: Annie Sloan. Ride or die, bitch.
Cotton Bouquets, Watering Cans, Mason Jars
If it looks like it once came from either a barn or Blake Lively’s home, then you need it. No questions asked. The more Antebellum you can get with it, the better. Basically, you want people to walk into your house and think two things:
1) This kind of reminds me of my grandmother’s house.
2) Is this person a racist?
Pillows from Etsy
Actually, let me rephrase this: you need too many pillows from Etsy. If you can still see your ruched duvet cover from West Elm when you’ve completed making your bed, then you need to stop what you are doing and immediately purchase more throw pillows. Also, if you’re not switching them out for each season then you can just go ahead and check the “unknown” box the next time you fill out a form that asks your race.
I’m not saying that your home needs to look exactly like a nail salon circa 1984, but I am saying that it needs to kind of look like a nail salon circa 1984. The more acrylic trays the better. Ideas for things to put inside them include: cocktail napkins with phrases like “Vodka Understands” or “Hey, Y’all!,” MAC makeup, Diptyque candles, a DIY clay bowl featuring Kendra Scott earrings, or a sterling vase that sits empty save for the three times a year when you update your blog and fill it with roses “fresh from the farmer’s market.” .