I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but it’s snowing here again in the Northeast. Perhaps you’ve seen an Instagram of the gently falling snow through a soft filter or some tweets using hashtags such as #Snowmageddon2015 or #WinterStormNAME. (When in the hell did we start naming snowstorms?) It all looks so pretty in pictures, but as someone who has lived in Boston her whole life, I can tell you that actually living through a snowstorm is a pain in the ass. Getting more than five feet of snow in two weeks? That’s a shitshow. The key to dealing with it all is by being adequately prepared. Lots of websites offer practical advice about what you need to be ready for a big storm, but let’s be honest — that’s a bunch of bullshit. Here’s the general practical advice coupled with the real truth:
Practical Advice: Pick up basic survival items. These items include a shovel, flashlights, batteries, candles, blankets, warm clothing, a camping stove or grill, matches to light your gas range/camping stove/candles, a battery-operated radio, and a first aid kit.
Actual Advice: A shovel? A camping stove? Who the fuck do you think I am, some kind of survivalist hippie? Here’s what you actually need to survive a storm: batteries (not just for flashlights, but for other, ahem, battery-powered lady devices), condoms (if you’re not alone), porn (if you are), current issues of your favorite magazines, candles, food and drink (see below), drinking game supplies, and your parents’ Netflix and HBO GO passwords. You’ll also probably want to dig out that giant sweatshirt from college with the buffalo sauce stains on it so you can layer a bunch of things underneath if the heat goes out.
Practical Advice: Make a family communication plan. Your family may not be together during an extreme winter event, so it is important to know how you will contact one another, how you will get back together, and what you will do during an emergency.
Actual Advice: So wait, my mom calling me thirty-two times an hour to make sure I haven’t frozen to death isn’t a family communication plan? Fine. If I commit to texting her the snow emoji every fifteen minutes, will that suffice?
Practical Advice: Stock up on food and water. Store at least a three-day supply of both clean drinking water and non-perishable food for your household.
Actual advice: Ice cream totally counts as a non-perishable because you can put it outside since it’s frozen. You’ll probably need at least three gallons. The same thing applies to cookie dough, and five tubes will do. Other non-perishables to get while those other idiots stock up on bread and milk include cookies, chips, salsa, and candy bars. As for water, let’s get serious. You have the day off from work because of the snow and you’re going to drink water? I’m thinking you need at least four boxes of wine, a case of beer, and a liter of vodka.
Practical Advice: Keep electronics alive. Fully charge all electronics and have backup methods of charging laptops, cell phones, and radios, which are crucial for communicating in case of an emergency.
Actual Advice: Who the fuck has a radio anymore? Also, I’m not using my laptop to communicate, I’m using it to watch Friends on Netflix. If the power goes out, that’s shot to shit anyway. Agreed on keeping my cell phone charged, but only because I want to text, tweet, facebook, and instagram how bored I am when the power goes out.
So there you have it: what you actually need to survive a snowstorm. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a bowl of ice cream to eat and some snow selfies to snap..
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