Hey, Your Pool Float Instagram Is So Original

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Hey there, mid-twenties girl who rents an apartment in this complex. I barely noticed you were there between you loudly talking about how drunk you got the night before and the clanking of your rosè bottles in your monogrammed canvas pool bag. It’s like you snuck in here with the intention of nobody noticing you. After all, you’re keeping an extremely low profile with your oversized sunglasses and text tones going off.

Of course, I don’t mind if you play top-40 hits from your portable Bose stereo. It’s not like any of us have heard those songs a million times over and would rather spend our days at the pool relaxing.

If you’d be so kind, would you complain to your friend once more about wanting him to blow up your pool float? Seriously, it’s not bothering anyone that you’re willing to bring it down yourself but you’re not willing to blow it up on your own accord. Let me guess, it’s going to be either a swan, a sprinkled donut, or a piece of pizza. I can’t quite tell yet because it’s still folded up in the box waiting for it’s grand unveiling.

Oh wait, nevermind, I think we have a verdict. It appears as though – yup, of course, it’s the swan! I must say, that’s quite the original choice from you. I haven’t seen those anywhere this summer, let alone last summer. Honestly, after Chrissy Teigen posted herself on a hashtag float the other day, I should’ve guessed that you’d have overnighted one of those. But you wouldn’t be that basic, now would you?

Nope, not you. You’re a free-thinker. While scrolling Instagram and seeing your college friend who you haven’t talked to in years (nor liked one of her photos) getting all the likes on her donut float photo, you thought to to yourself, “Hey, I want in on this action.” And why wouldn’t you? I mean, no one else is posting photos of themselves on rafts this summer, are they?

But let me just ask – how’d you choose the swan? Were the pizza and donut sold out, or did you just not want to have the same photo as the rest of your friends had? It’s okay, you can tell me. I’m not here to judge. I just want to know. A swan is a unique choice because It’s actually more difficult to blow up once you account for the body, wings, neck, and head. You probably didn’t realize this when you bought it, but you will once your friend refuses to blow it up for you and you’re stuck doing it yourself.

Anything for the likes, though, I presume. $39.99 plus shipping? A small price to pay to eclipse triple-figures. Let’s just be honest with ourselves here – that type of money is nothing when you think back to your other Instagrams. That girls trip you took to Aspen was pretty much centered around the fact that you wanted to take a photo in front of a mountain range. Your friends decided to go for a long, grueling, 4-mile hike after a two-hour car ride. But it was your most liked photo and you got it up before that friend everyone hates, so all is good in the world.

But let’s not digress here. You’ve got a great opportunity to have an original Instagram on this mid-summer Saturday! The sun is out! The pool is empty of children and retirees! And you’re still tan from the long weekend last week! If you don’t get this photo up today, you might never get it up. So let’s get to it!

Here, let me direct you on what to do. First, stop asking your friend to blow up the swan. He’s not going to do it, so you need to suck up your hangover and inflate this thing before you lose the good light. You’ll get light-headed and complain about nearly passing out, but I assure you, you won’t.

Next, ensure you apply some tanning oil before you get on the raft. You want to glisten, but you don’t want to appear sweaty. It’s going to be a struggle getting on the swan without falling in the water, so be as careful as possible. I know it’s a lot to ask to get in the pool before you hop onto it, but you’ll refuse to. Instead, awkwardly attempt to crouch and jump on the float from the side of the pool. Make a scene if you really want to do it right.

Once you land on it and everyone at the pool is watching because of the scene you made, don’t float too far or your friend won’t be able to take the photo. Balancing looking natural but still paddling towards the edge, begin to pose. But don’t be obvious about it. You can’t have everyone thinking you staged this, because like, “Oh my God, you totally didn’t.”

After a few photos are taken, pull yourself to the side of the pool and have your friend show you the photos. They’ll have to turn the brightness all the way up and kill your battery, but fuck it. After reviewing the eight or so photos, request that they take a few more for good measure. Clarify that you don’t want anyone else in the photo – just the pool, you, and that fucking swan.

When you finally have faith in your friend taking the appropriate amount of photos, this is where you really need to make it count – make sure they’re taking a burst at this point. As they’re taking it, playfully (but “naturally”) fall into the pool and laugh. Yes, you will get your hair wet, but if they capture your laughter while falling in, you’ll have the crown jewel of all Instagram photos. The coveted, care-free summer photo that you’ll filter the fuck out of to make it look like you’re in a tropical location rather than your shitty apartment complex’s pool.

There you have it. You’ve done it. You’ve taken the most original Instagram of the summer, one that no one else will take all summer. Not that day, not that weekend, not that summer, and certainly not next summer.

And tomorrow? Onto avocado toast. No one’s ever done that before either. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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