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Do you consider yourself an adult? Because there are days when I really feel like one. I’ll wear a full suit that’s just been dry-cleaned with a tie from Brooks Brothers and think to myself, “Man, I’ve finally made it.” But then I’ll be drinking my first cup of coffee in the morning and spill all over my seventy dollar tie. Or I’ll look over my shoulder and remember that I’m the lowest guy on the totem pole and I could be gone at any day and I realize that I’m not shit in the professional world.
Let me tell you something – I’m not shit in the non-professional world, either. I have a shitload of shit in my possession that I definitely don’t need and I know you do too. Here are the top five things I’m assuming everyone has in their apartment that they should have gotten rid of about three years ago.
Coffee Table from IKEA/Target/Home Depot
This thing has been to hell and back. Ring stains from beer cans and coffee mugs litter the surface. Maybe you’ve got a glass table so you don’t have to worry about ring stains. But the glass has been chipped and appears to be on the verge of breaking any day now.
You’ve hauled it from apartment to apartment since graduating and the only reason it hasn’t been chucked in the dumpster behind your apartment building is because you’re too fucking lazy and/or broke to buy the one from Restoration Hardware that you’ve had your eye on. Until you move in with a girl who makes you throw this table out, it’s going to remain in every living room you inhabit as a transient.
Charcoal grill a.k.a. Little Smokey
If you live “in the cut” like my good friend Dillon Chevevevevere, you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about right now. Little Smokey isn’t fancy. He’s not the quickest at his job, but goddamnit, he gets the job done. He holds sentimental value that can’t be quantified.
For peons like myself, a Lil’ Smokey has gotten me through many a night where all I had was some frozen chicken breasts that would only be palatable if I grilled them.
Little Smokey is very similar to your coffee table mentioned previously. Until you get a very serious, live-in girlfriend that makes you buy an updated, fancy-ass gas grill, Smokey will be on every back porch you sit on.
Pillows that are over five years old
Everyone’s read the articles about how pillows are no good after about a year. They lose their life, and dead skin from your face falls into these pillows and that’s actually what you end up resting your head on after awhile. I don’t know about you but here’s what happens when I read articles like that. I finish them up, say to myself “Wow, that’s fucking disgusting I should really order some new pillows.” And then I forget all about that shit five minutes later. I’ve had the same pillows on my bed for at least three years now. It’s fucking disgusting.
Pint glasses that you stole from some shitty dive bar
So you got a little too drunk one night at the local watering hole that just so happened to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from the shithole you call an apartment. You were crushing Miller Lites all night with your buddies, and at some point, you had the bright idea to smuggle out the pint glasses that you and your four or five buddies were drinking out of. Congratulations. You now have hungover water glasses for the rest of your natural born life. On a morning where all of the glassware is in an unwashed dishwasher and there isn’t a clean Solo cup to be found, these stolen pint glasses will be the answer to your prayers. They never get pulled out of the cabinet for anything other than water for some odd reason, but you’ll always have them. That, and the hazy memory of the night when you somehow got six out of the bar without any of the workers noticing.
I know exactly what you were thinking when you saw this little guy on sale Triple B (that’s Bed, Bath, and Beyond for everyone living under a fucking rock). “This will be perfect for my bedroom. No longer will I have to drink lukewarm tap water from my bathroom because I’ll always have a cold bottle inside! I can put takeout in here without having to worry about whether or not any of my roommates will eat it! I could even….dare I say it….put beer in here. Who knows when I’ll be laying in bed one idle Wednesday evening listening to the “Jazz for Sleep” playlist and want to crack a cold one? “
You thought you were fucking Will Hunting when you bought this thing because of the endless number of opportunities it presents for you. You know where the mini fridge sits for anyone who owns one past the age of 19? In a basement closet unplugged and unused. You bring it to every hole you’ve ever lived in, though because you think that maybe this will be the apartment where I finally put it to good use.
Word of advice? Toss the fridge in the dumpster. Toss it along with the pillow you’ve been using since the dorm days of college. Keep those pint glasses, though. The shitty pillows and the mini-fridge are just taking up room in your next U-Haul rental. .