“He’s Just Not That Into You”: Updated For 2014


I’ve never read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and I don’t plan on doing so. While I admit I sometimes miss certain nuances and body language, I can take the hint and don’t need an instructional book to state the obvious when he doesn’t text back for a while or doesn’t seem genuinely eager to make plans again soon.

I also believe the book is negligible because of the rise of social media and other fun modern advances. It can become abundantly clear through multiple platforms, and if you’re super lucky, in real time.

To save you the two and a half years I’ve dealt with NYC postgrad bros, I thought I’d impart 15 sweet situations when you know he ain’t comin’ back around.

  1. His roommate snapchats videos of him hooking up with other girls.
  2. Only tells you he “needs you” and means it when he’s packing for fashion week.
  3. Texts you when he’s with other girls to tell you that you would get along with her.
  4. Will tweet to you even though he hasn’t texted you back for days because interacting with you will positively affect his Klout score.
  5. Won’t Instagram photos with you so his female followers don’t get upset and/or so he won’t get called out on it on blogs about bloggers.
  6. Tells you he’s not in the city, yet his NYC party pic just got a few hundred likes.
  7. Solemnly tells you, “You’d look great if you lost five pounds. I’m used to dealing with models.”
  8. Doesn’t talk about the next time he’ll take you out, just about how much money he’s going to make come bonus time.
  9. Tries to get you to have a three-way with his roommate. Every time he sees you.
  10. Texts you at 4 a.m. because he knows at this point he doesn’t need to buy you any drinks.
  11. He refuses to accept your Facebook request.
  12. Tells you he doesn’t want a relationship until his mid-thirties because then he can immediately get married to someone in her early to mid-twenties.
  13. You only find out he’s home because he just held a photo shoot in his bedroom and tweeted one of teaser shots.
  14. Tells you it’s cheaper to get hookers than to date.
  15. Made you ride in the trunk of the cab.

….and yes, every single one of these things has happened to me.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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