Today is April 30, 2014. It’s the day “Mean Girls,” the most quotable movie of the 21st Century, turns a decade old. Not only does that make all of us feel ancient as FUCK, but it leaves us wondering: What happened to all of our favorite characters? Who flopped after high school worse than “Mean Girls 2” did? Who flourished?
Jason went on to get his degree in communications and landed himself a life-changing internship at “Sex Sent Me To The ER.” He soon found himself promoted to the assistant to the assistant of the producer of “Sex Sent Me To The ER.” He impresses ladies at the bar with his four-digit number of followers on Twitter, as well as in the bedroom with the number of euphemisms he has for butt stuff. Jason has thrown at least two children in the circle of life. He has no idea they exist, but he wouldn’t want it any other way. His ringtone is permanently set to “Blurred Lines” and he still has Taylor Wadell listed as “Slam #5.”
Instead of dwelling on the high school rumors the Burn Book spread, Amber decided it was time to come to terms with who she really was and give into her hot dog fetish. She developed feelings for Joey Chestnut, a world champion competitive hot dog eater, after reading every publication the Internet had on him. She cyber stalked him until she “happened to run into him” at the grocery store in his hometown one day. Looking to impress him, she seductively unwrapped a single, cold, all-beef dog and deep throated it. Mr. Chestnut fell instantly in love, and the couple now competes in food eating competitions internationally. They picked up Nike as a sponsor and are coming out with their own line of eating shoes.
Janis Ian and Kevin Gnapoor
Janis and Kevin got married young and had seven children–all boys. The young family follows daddy Kevin “Bad-Ass MC” G around the nation, as he still hasn’t given up on his dreams of becoming a famous rapper 10 years later. He swears he needs “just one more show, dammit!” to finally get that record deal he’s always been waiting for. While Janis tells their children that “making love to yo woman on the bathroom floor” means hugging your wife after she brushes her teeth, she struggles with lying to them the older they get. She contemplates leaving her husband to pursue something more lucrative, such as art.
Gretchen’s father passed away soon after college and left his entire toaster strudel company to his daughter. Overwhelmed with what to do with the money, she ditched the “cool Asian” phase and invested in the Whisper app. She now thrives off of seeing the exact coordinates of the people who post their deepest, darkest secrets. Her hair has quadrupled in size since college. Unfortunately, she was kind of forgotten about by everyone, so she only gets two viewers a week. Gretchen still basks in her high school glory days of living in the shadow of an A-List celeb, and she cries tears of joy when someone favorites a tweet she spent 42 hours coming up with.
With a GPA so low that not even the University of Phoenix would accept her, Karen went on to land an entry-level job at a startup adult film production studio, New Girlzz, under the impression that it was a news station. When she initially accepted her job, she told them upfront that she was interested in “performing the weather,” so they casted her as Wet Girl #2. We got a sneak peak of her first show when she squeezed her boob in a flash-forward seen from “Mean Girls,” but for obvious reasons, they had to cut the rest. To this day, Karen still believes she is a meat-eater-ologist delivering the weather straight to every man’s laptop.
After recovering from her spinal injury, Regina found that the working life wasn’t for her once she managed to get a ring by spring. She moved to California despite not knowing much about the guy she was engaged to, except for the fact that he came from old money and would literally chop off his left arm and use it as a backscratcher if she told him to. She now attends yogalates four times a week. Her go-to drink is vodka, no rocks, in a water bottle. She tells her two children it’s just a new, organic, gluten-free water she picked up from Whole Foods after her nail appointment. Juicy Couture sweatpants are her way of life–her addiction to Kalteen bars spiraled out of control after high school.
Cady, along with her newfound independence, went onto college. She was ready to tackle anything life threw her way. At her first frat party, a tall, handsome boy offered her a hit from his bong and she hallucinated that she was back in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys. Her lover, Nfume, was there, too. What started off as innocent play with gateway drugs to impress the hot boys at school turned into a serious addiction to crystal meth. Friends and family don’t know where she is, but my guess is she’s in a field somewhere, walking around in circles, talking to herself, and still trying to figure out where the damn back building went.
Thanks to her being the only normal human in the entire North Shore High School, she ended up with a pretty normal life. Michigan Girl went on to study at Michigan State (because she was rejected from UM, of course) after graduation. She eventually earned a master’s degree and reunited with the dapper Glen Coco. The two got married in a chapel and now live with their two beautiful children in a nice, medium-sized home in the suburbs of Detroit. Fridays in her household are known as “Pizza Friday,” and she often finds herself overwhelmed by the amount of laundry that piles up during the week.