Historically Accurate American Girl Dolls

According to Wikipedia and whatever memory that hasn’t been lost to the sands of time, self-preservation, or alcohol, American Girl dolls are a line of 18-inch dolls first released in 1986. The page says, “The dolls portray eight- to eleven-year-old girls of a variety of ethnicities. They are sold with accompanying books told from the viewpoint of the girls.”

Used as teaching tools to a varying degree, the dolls and stories focus on periods of American history. However, as we very well know, freedom isn’t free, and American history is very dark. Rather than paint rosy pictures of the American Girls’ lives as we were all led to believe at a very young age, I thought I’d write historically accurate descriptions for some of the existing dolls.*

*Considering the kids growing up now are pretty screwed concerning job security and an attainable retirement age, we should let them know that other generations had it worse.

Kaya, 1764


Kaya, a brave and outgoing girl, hails from the Nez Perce tribe and aspires to become a leader of her people.

One day, while foraging for fruits and nuts or whatever one does for sustenance when you don’t have Fresh Direct, she happens upon a white soldier. Curious and admittedly a little slutty, Kara gives him a peace offering (BJ) and is whisked away to his camp. She teaches him the ways of her people, and in return he gets her pregnant, but not before giving her a nasty case of syphilis. Kaya dies in childbirth, and the soldier dumps the kid outside the tribe’s campgrounds, where she is taken in as one of their own.

Kaya’s wild spirit and legacy lives on in her daughter, who is aptly named Sleeps With Wolves. Unfortunately, Kaya’s family tree is killed off in the 1877 Nez Perce battle against the U.S. Army, a fight spurred by the tribe refusing to give up its ancestral lands. However, Kaya’s family history will never be forgotten, thanks to written testaments concerning her sexual prowess, found in letters sent back home by the soldier to his brothers. Carbon copies are available on display at various museums.

Felicity Merriman, 1774


Felicity is a spunky, brave, and free-spirited girl caught between Patriot and Loyalist friends and family during the American Revolution.

Her immediate family ultimately takes the Loyalist side, and her older brother, Sebastian, gets captured by Patriots in the dead of night to be tarred and feathered. Luckily, the hooligans are intoxicated beyond coherence and her brother’s boyfriend is among them, so Sebastian gets a good aloe rubdown and they all pillow fight for a good half hour before retiring for tea. Sebastian and his lover then escape to England, where they are free to wear decent clothes in peace.

Alone and without her fraternal personal stylist, Felicity turns to the Patriot side and delivers jugs of water to the #thirsty soldiers on the battlefield. After the Americans win the Revolutionary War, Felicity is given the nickname “Jugs” as a symbol of affection. She dies in childbirth a few months later, and many a soldier mourns Jugs’ passing.

Caroline Abbott, 1812


Caroline is a brave little soul who enjoys outdoor activities and hopes to someday own a ship just like her father, a ship builder. One day her father is captured by the British and she goes off on an epic journey to save him.

Half an hour into the aforementioned epic journey, she herself is captured and forced to be a servant girl to one of the British captains. She manages to seduce him, thanks to the lax age of consent laws of 1812, and learns the location of her father. After escaping the ship where she is held captive and running from guards for two days and nights, she manages to find her father, who was actually not captured. He had just shacked up with their former neighbor.

After some bribery (Who says new shoes can’t mend broken hearts?) Caroline and her father make amends, and she aids him in his dream haberdashery unicycle business. She dies in childbirth four months later.

Rebecca Rubin, 1914


Rebecca is the daughter of Russian Jewish immigrants who ended up settling in the lower east side of New York City. Instead of working in the pickle market like her other brothers and sisters, Rebecca dreams of becoming a movie star, which angers and disappoints her traditional parents.

Rebecca shares her dreams with Moshe, the kind neighbor’s boy who lives down the street, and he admits that he dreams of becoming a producer. They start a film club with the other silver screen-aspiring neighborhood children, with the first and only rule being they don’t talk about film club. Slowly but surely, they create an even larger network and their film club spans all the way to Hollywood, ultimately allowing the Jews to covertly take over the film industry.

Several years later, Rebecca nearly dies in childbirth, but her doctor cousin is there to save her. With the help of her lawyer cousin, they sue the hospital. After they win the lawsuit, she and Moshe finally have the money they needed for the in-ground pool, sauna, and gazebo they always wanted. They live happily ever after.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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