Diary Of The Guy Who Writes Negative Reviews About Everything


Sunday, 4/20/14

Dear Diary,

Happy Easter! Just kidding. Crappy Easter. I just got in the vibrating razor I bought on Amazon and it didn’t come with a battery. This is absolute bullshit. I watched the tracking information for a fucking week, finally got home expecting to have a vibrating shaver–but instead I have to shave with a non-vibrating razor. What is this, a third world country? I hate everyone.

Instead of taking it up with the seller via email, I decided to express my displeasure in the review section and wreck the shit out of his seller rating.


That’ll show him.

Also, I finally saw that “Wolf Of Wall Street” movie and it was ridiculously overhyped. I spent $10 buying it on iTunes and what a fucking waste that was. This movie offended me. People need to know how I feel and what MY life is really like and what kind of MORALS I stand for.


Thursday, 4/24/14

Dear Diary,

Apparently the streaming music app I downloaded only had a 30-day free trial period and yesterday was its last day. It says on the app description that after the trial period it’s $9.99 a month, but fuck that. It should be free like Pandora or the other music streaming apps.


I was so angry I couldn’t even spell “at least” correctly. My reputation might take a hit, but people need to hear these things. What would the world do without someone like me who points out how shitty things really are? If you think about it, I’m helping people, and that kind of pisses me off. This world is undeserving of my consumer reviews.

Monday, 4/28/14

Dear Diary,

There was a link to this column on Twitter and the author fucking sucks. I can’t believe they post this guy’s shit. I decided I’d spend my morning coming up with a fair and accurate review of his work, so maybe he’ll get the message. I didn’t use proper grammar for the fuck because his shit doesn’t deserve the effort.


I didn’t even bother to read his other columns because there’s a 0 percent chance he’s ever written anything decent. Asshole. I guess that’s just the way the Internet is–you have to find diamonds by wading through all the shit. But I never fucking find diamonds. It’s just more shit.

Also, some girl on some bullshit website that does stupid ass quizzes and shit was writing about what “basic bitch” meant. I almost broke my laptop in pure rage.


I couldn’t even use proper grammar because my blood pressure was so high I popped a blood vessel. Wow.

Tuesday, 4/29/14

I don’t think I can take it anymore. The world is such a miserable place. I went to Applebees and had the worst experience ever. I took it upon myself to share this travesty on Yelp and make sure everyone understood my displeasure.


That’s the seventh time I’ve been to that Applebee’s and the seventh time it sucked. I deserve better.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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