It’s Almost Everyone’s Favorite Season


Fall is easily one of the most eagerly awaited times of the year (at least in the northeast). Pumpkin spice lattes, decorative gourds, and that slight chill in the air which reminds us of the ephemeral nature of nice weather that makes us relish each passing second. With that being said, we often forget about the darker side of autumn, which I’ve explained below.

  • It’s almost ‘cable-knits mask most of your physical insecurities and spiked cider deals with the rest’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘wear your Barbour to the bar because someone splashing Bud Light on you is the equivalent of a light storm anyway’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘excessively email the guy you’re barely dating about apple-picking trips until you never hear from him again’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘complement your oversized fisherman’s sweater with a slutty skirt’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘pass out in a pile of leaves and pretend it’s quaint instead of a red flag for alcoholism’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘carve a pair of boobs into a pumpkin to piss off your girlfriend’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘drink a #PSL every day and gain all your winter weight because of your faux autumn enthusiasm’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘decorate with gourds until the sweet stench of their rotting permeates every inch of your apartment’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘incorporate equestrian style into your wardrobe even though the closest thing you’ve gotten to a horse is your nickname in junior high’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘cover up your post-summer weight gain with jackets and a fake pregnancy’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘go on a romantic weekend away to a deserted beach town until, without the crutch of friends and crowded bars, you realize you have nothing in common’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘hide my debilitating eating disorder under #menswear-inspired sweaters’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘wear riding boots even though I have a terrible fear of horses ever since the petting zoo incident’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘pretend you’re wearing tights because of the autumn chill and not because they’re acting as your own version of spanx’ season.
  • It’s almost ‘find a significant other’ season but don’t worry, that shouldn’t be on your radar until the first frost hits.

So, don’t forget to update your Tinder photos so that they incorporate the changing foliage.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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