5 Things On My Phone That Would Be Worse To Leak Than My Nudes

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You’ve undoubtedly heard of the recent celebrity nudie pic phone hacking scandal, or as I like to affectionately refer to it, #Tittygate2014–more widely being called “#TheFappening.” I can sympathize with the mortification a reasonable person would feel having multiple nudes and crotch shots (which they assumed were safely within the private, password protected confines of their own phone or that of a trusted “friend”) spread all over the internet. I’d imagine it’s exponentially more mortifying than the rogue, pre-Snapchat dick pics that used to make their way around social circles due to a betrayal of trust or angry ex-girlfriend.

I’m not condoning the crime of hacking into someone’s private data. This is on par with hacking into someone’s email or bank account, and the perpetrator clearly deserves their day in court. But in this day and age, when the NSA keeps a database on our communications and giant companies like Target can’t even keep its customers’ credit card information safe, I don’t see how a high profile figure of any profession would think that it’s a good idea to keep nudes on their phones OR computers, for that matter. Put that shit on a flash drive where it can’t be accessed short of physical theft, and give yourself a reasonable layer of protection, because the law can’t help you until the damage is already done. But I digress.

Even the most careful of us have things on our phone that may even be more damaging than nudes if they were ever hacked and spread around the internet. I’d rather have my dong go viral than have these things released to the public.

1. Conversations With My Close Friends

I’m one of those free-speaking, brutally honest kinds of guys (if you haven’t noticed) and if you really wanted to destroy any political ambitions I may have (I don’t), you’re better off spreading around transcripts of my conversations with my best friends than pictures of my curiously smooth, baby bottom. I am blatantly, and gloriously, politically incorrect and if you think Romney’s “47% comment” was “ignorant” and infuriating, then you know nothing, Jon Snow.

2. Drunk Texts From My Ex(es)

Aside from common decency, I am unashamed of my “used to be in great shape” dad body, so leaked nudes would likely be less embarrassing than a leaked text from an ex. You never know what psychotic or sexual (or both) texts an ex will send you when they are blackout drunk and menstruating (or manstruating, if you are a girl #equality). Either way, I don’t need other people, especially a potential business associate or a woman I may someday date, seeing what kind of nut jobs I’ve dated in the past, because it’s a poor reflection on my judgment and may possibly make them legitimately fear for their well being (no worries, by the way, they’re harmless…I think). Then there are the graphic drunk sexts from exes, which wouldn’t reflect well on anyone.

3. My Food Delivery History

I’d rather the Internet world get a good look at my minor league corporate gut than be able to see a transcript of what’s been in it over the past year. I’d prefer I don’t need people asking me why I’m ordering Thai food from GrubHub at 1 a.m. on a Friday night or why I bought Dominos’ Wisconsin six-cheese pizza two days in a row, which is only the tip of the iceberg.

4. Customers’ Contact Information

My boss would probably kill me, slowly, if the world knew who our customers were. It’s bad for business. However, if nudes of mine were leaked, he’d probably just make dick jokes to my face for the rest of my life.

5. My Screenshots

The nature of the stupid things I screenshot show how depressingly boring my life can be on a slow work day (PGP) and that’s far more embarrassing than people on Reddit analyzing my ball to yaw ratio.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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