Here’s Proof That Your Parents Will Drink You Under The Table

Here's Proof That Your Parents Will Drink You Under The Table

Kid Rock, a father of one (that we know of), once said, “Drink a fifth of Jim Beam and still stand still.” Additionally, one of my best friends sat at a Buffalo Wild Wings bar with his father watching a football game only to realize that, after 13 tall Coors Lights, his dad never once stood up to go to the bathroom. Both of these moments lead me to believe this: I’ll never be able to keep up with dads when it comes to drinking. Or moms, for that matter.

And there’s actual proof to back this up. A study from consumer data provider IRI has all signs pointing to your parents being able to drink you under the damn table. While no, they may not be able to drink a fifth of Jim Beam and still stand still, they can still take down a lot of booze.

Some of the statistics are as follows:

Baby Boomers constitute 33% of the population of the United States. While this information has nothing to do with drinking, it’s an essential frame of reference for the facts to come. I’m no statistician, but I believe that this statistic means that one out of every three people in The United States of America is a baby boomer. Let’s proceed.

Baby Boomers purchase 45 percent of all alcohol by dollar value. Again, I’m no statistician, but if you round 45% up, that’s 50% which (if I’m not mistaken) is half of all alcohol purchased by dollar value. “Boo-hoo, we’re all poor and underpaid millennials,” you might say. But even though you’re underpaid, you’ve probably still overspent on a round of shots for your squad in the last calendar month, haven’t you? Meanwhile, your dad is sitting at his house pounding a nice scotch thinking, “Kids these days, I can’t believe I’m still funding my degenerate kid.”

Baby Boomers purchase 46 percent of wine, and 41 percent of sparkling wine. Ah, so that’s what was always in my mom’s roadie cup. I always just figured it was grape juice or something.

Of the growing wine market, 42 percent comes from baby boomers. Again, our parents aren’t ashamed to take down a little vino and get loose while listening to Van Morrison on their surround sound. Sure, it might not seem like they’re drinking more because they’re doing it glass by glass instead of directly out of the bottle like you heathens, but numbers don’t lie.

Some encouraging stats about our generation, though? “60 percent of millennials say Champagne is good for drinking all year round,” the study says. I call this The Brunch Effect and take some responsibility for it. They also state that millennials choose vodka 33 percent of the time. You know this is true because guys drink vodka-sodas when they’re in a cutting phase, and girls order vodka-sodas by stumbling towards the bar like a newborn giraffe stuttering, “Can I have a vodka-thoda please?”

Unfortunately, we also choose craft beer a third of the time we drink because, as my friend’s dad who drank 13 tall boys would probably attest to, we’re all “pieces of shit.”

[H/T Vine Pair]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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