F***, Marry or Kill: The Office Version

Time for a Scranton-sized rendition of “F***, Marry, or Kill,” the game where everything’s made up and the objectification of other human beings is not only acceptable, but expected.

The thing that always made The Office so incredible to watch was the relatability of all the characters. I can’t even count the number of times that I’ve felt like Jim Halpert staring at a desk five feet from him, lovestruck, or dying to run away to another city because Pam was with Roy at reception. You could make the case that each of the following characters (even Phyllis) have qualities that could place them into any of the F***, Marry, or Kill groups. But the name of the game is FMK, for Pete’s sake! Time to sack up. There can only be one label to describe them all.




Former Dundler-Mifflin executive Jan Levenson is all business. Too much business, really. The former Mrs. Gould is all about the cold hard bucks. Jan is a praying mantis in a pantsuit. She’ll flaunt her silicon stuff, lure you in, get her carnal fix, and rip your freaking head off before she moves onto the next victim.



Honestly, you could make the case that Angela is wife material. Stop laughing, I’m being serious! Put aside the façade that her state senator boyfriend is a real politician. Avert your eyes from her early season homophobia. Ignore how rounding the bases with Ang’ consists of a kiss on the forehead. Put aside all that tomfoolery, and look at the way Monkey looks at Dwight. What kind of guy doesn’t want to be shown that kind of affection? Not to mention, big time bonus points for her love of knocking boots in public places.

Having said all that, you can’t wife up Angela Martin. Cat people are terrible.



Karen Filippelli is hands down the sexiest thing to come out of Northeastern Pennsylvania since the Scranton Strangler. Smart, gorgeous, looks good in a pantsuit, and probably loves spaghetti and meatballs, Rashida Jones is a lock to win the looks department.

But yet, personality-wise, something doesn’t quite add up with Karen. I can’t quite put my finger on it. There’s just something…missing…with her personality that makes her come across as devoid of passion.



All you need to know about Dunder Mifflin’s resident customer service rep can be found in this quote:

“Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I’ve ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that?”

Frankly, Kelly Kapoor’s craziness terrifies me/gives me a ridiculous fear boner. I’d so poison an infant to have a romp with her, and for three reasons. One, Mindy Kaling. Two, Kama Sutra. Three, her Jodi Arias side will always keep you on your toes.



I had to. It’s what Michael Scott would’ve wanted. What a tease.




Good for Michael Scott for bagging my all-around dream girl, and she should be yours, too. Holly Flax defines “wifey material.” Warm-hearted and quirky. Loves joking around. Sexually liberal. Dresses conservative. “A Times New Roman in the streets and a Wing Dings in the sheets.” Has a flair for the romantic. More attractive than Toby Flenderson.

Amy Ryan, have your people get in touch with my people.



Yeah, I hear you, anonymous Internet reader who hasn’t said anything. Wanting to put a wedding ring on Pam is a cliché. Hear me out, though.

Two moments stand out that firmly plant Pam in the “Marry” category. First, the look of “I just got everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m going to cry” when Jim comes back and asks her out.

Second, and maybe most important, Pam crushes it in the series finale. She gets put through a guilt-trip gauntlet at the DVD press conference where she is told by the audience that she’s not doing enough to return Jim’s love. So what does Beesly do? Just a casual act of ultimate redemption vis-à-vis showing she believes in him by putting the house up for sale so the two can move down to Austin and live the dream happily ever after. Pam’s a dreamer, a risk taker, a hopeless romantic and I like that. As the seasons drone on and Pam and Jim became the focus of the show, one thing never changed: the two, through thick and thin, were best friends. And you need to have that.

Not to mention, I’ve seen Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox story. Jenna Fischer is lights out in some lingerie.





Phyllis is, for lack of a better word, useless. What refrigeration mogul Bob Vance sees in her, I have no clue. Rest assured, you guys, this isn’t a physical appearance thing, either. She’s just such a bore. A damp towel with arthritis and a love of knitting.



I don’t feel the need to explain myself on this one. But if there’s one chick in Scranton I’m having a beer with, I think we all know hands down who’s winning here.



I wanted to put Erin under the “Marry” group so, so, so bad. She’s attractive, she’s fun-loving and warm-hearted. She’s cool with having her first kiss be in the middle of a garbage dump. I just can’t bring myself to do it, though. She slept with Gabe. Step your game up, girl.

You can’t engage in procreational congress with Erin either, unless you’ve been dating for six months. And since this isn’t “F***, Marry, or ‘Aww, she’s a nice girl who’s been through a lot, can’t we just let this one slide?’” Erin gets the figurative executioner’s axe.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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