The Black Plague style cough that is sweeping the office. PGP.

My New Year’s resolution is to get fired from this miserable hellhole. PGP.

Already broke my New Year’s resolution, and don’t even feel shame. PGP.

New Year, new me. Except I wanna keep doing that, and I’ll still eat those, and I’ll only do this on the weekends, and…well, shit. PGP.

First time in the office in over two weeks. Forgot my login password. PGP.

Getting caught using the handicap stall when an actual handicapped coworker comes rolling in. PGP.

“How was your New Year?” “Good, how was yours?” “Good.” PGP.

Getting a Keurig for Christmas even though coffee at the office is free. PGP.

Already planning on burning a sick day after New Year’s. PGP.

Can’t get to my car to go home because there’s a guy who’s barricaded himself on top of my parking garage threatening to jump. Police have cordoned off the surrounding blocks. PGP.

Being the eleventh wheel on NYE. PGP.

Not making the company’s basketball team. PGP.