Friends being impressed by how “domestic” you are, when in reality you’re just too poor to go out or order in. PGP.

Binge eating coworkers’ kid’s halloween candy. PGP.

My wife is my best friend. PGP.

“How long will my gchat stay green until my status goes idle?” PGP.

Tonight’s rebellion: staying up past 11. PGP.

My boss has been mass sending pictures of his kids out trick or treating to the entire department, all morning. PGP.

“Please put away your dishes. Your mother does not work here.” PGP.

Rain used to mean I wasn’t going to class that day, now it just means I’m going to be late to work. PGP.

My parents asked what I wanted for my birthday. I said a brake job on my truck. PGP.

I saw the sun for 20 minutes today. PGP.

I still don’t know what the acronym in my company’s name stands for. PGP.

Button just popped off my pants. I’m giving a presentation in 20 minutes. My belt hides it, but I don’t know what will hide my shame. PGP.

My Halloween news feed went from a bunch of girls in slutty costumes to a bunch of babies in costumes. PGP.

When the conference call waiting music legitimately becomes “your jam.” PGP.

Jake from State Farm working until three in the morning, PGP.

Boss just got a new Porsche. I just got my mom’s old Suburban. PGP.

Being jealous of the potential Ebola patients who are quarantined at home for 21 days. PGP.

I’m really going to start taking things seriously next week. PGP.

Can we “fall back” like five more hours tonight? PGP.

Couples costumes without a “sexy” counterpart. PGP.