Carrie Matheson is a pretty competent employee compared to you. PGP.

The fake half-smile/head nod combo you give people in the hallways. PGP.

On my way back from lunch today, I told myself out loud that “Everything’s going to be okay.” PGP.

Was just endorsed on LinkedIn for customer satisfaction by the girl I’ve been hooking up with. PGP.

I feel congratulations are in order. Our warehouse has officially gone eleven days without a stabbing incident. PGP.

The effort going into faking sick on the phone is more work than I would actually produce in a day. PGP.

Manager told me I should have a business card. Been with the company three and a half years. PGP.

Hot streak of five Tinder matches this week. All spam. PGP.

Bob Wiley taking a vacation from his problems. PGP.

Had to give myself a pep talk this morning. PGP.

Trying to get your older coworker to take you to Costco on your lunch break. PGP.

I’m starting to wish I was as successful, hardworking, and great as my cover letters say I am. PGP.