The closest thing I have to a lifelong relationship is my relationship with Sallie Mae. PGP.

A firm, yet very depressing sense of self-awareness. PGP.

Having a stretching routine before heading out for the night. PGP.

The coworker sitting across from my cubicle has been threatening to quit his job for months now. PGP.

Finding a significant other with good health insurance is my number one priority, because mine is awful. PGP.

The traditional Monday morning removal of the croakies. PGP.

“Hey Dad, I’m coming home today” “Why?” PGP.

I get excited when I think about what I’m gonna wear next casual Friday. PGP.

She changed the Netflix password after we broke up. PGP.

Got drunk and hooked up with a chick in HR. What have I done? PGP.

There was a fight outside my apartment last night. It was between two hobos for a piece of cardboard. PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.

Ranking your coworkers by who’s most likely to go postal. PGP.

“Good Day” by Nappy Roots came on Pandora at work and my first thought was “not a chance.” PGP.

My mind is telling me yes. But my body…my body is telling me no. PGP.

Somehow I always manage to get sick on Friday. PGP.

Feeling dirty because I cheated on Netflix with Amazon Prime, even though I don’t pay for either. PGP.

Not needing to prioritize food before women because you’re too poor to afford a date, but just “rich” enough to buy a nice frozen pizza. PGP.

Everyone is working from home today. I didn’t get the memo. PGP.

The only matches I get on Tinder these days are hooker spam bots. PGP.