So, I recently moved to Murray Hill.
I know what you’re thinking: I’m awful.
And you’re right — I am awful. But that has more to do with my bitchy brain than the location of my new apartment.
For those of you that don’t know, Murray Hill is the place in NYC where 22-year-olds go to pretend they’re still in college. You’ll run into everyone and their mother that you know on your way to the diner on Sunday morning, but like it’s fine because you’re still drunk from one too many drinks at Tonic. But stereotypes aside, Murray Hill is really diverse. There are people from Long Island, Westchester, the suburbs of Philly, and even New Jersey!
Everyone knows that there’s two kinds of guys that stroll out of Murray Hill Manor and roam down 3rd Avenue on Friday nights: the NJBs and the well, not so N-JBs. Everyone who would never, EVER, eat a bologna sandwich with mayo on white bread, at least.
Nice Jewish Boys (NJBs)
These are the kind of guys who will bring you a bagel in bed when you’re hungover. Well, maybe. They may be too busy studying for their civ pro final or on the train back to Penn Station from the weekend spent at home in Livingston. They never forget to call their moms 25 times a day and will be sure to whip out their Moncler vest anytime the temperature dips below 40 degrees. These guys are basically the east coast version of Seth Cohen, if only he went to UPenn and didn’t play with plastic horses.
Not-So Nice Jewish Boys
These guys were benching before benching was a thing. No, I’m not talking about what they pretend they do at the gym. Benching is a term the “youths” are using these days — i.e. not totally ghosting you, but coming back into your life every few weeks with an Instagram comment, a Snapchat, or the 3 a.m. “you up?” text that we all know and love. Who says chivalry is dead? Oh, right. Don’t forget to ask them about how “dope” studying abroad in Barcelona was… that is, if you can actually get a hold of them during the week since they’re busy slaving away at their jobs on Wall Street. It’s just like AEPi pledging all over again.
The girls here are a league of their own. I say the word “league” literally, because they can usually be found traveling in packs and donning fifty shades of black… and I’ll bet you all of the froyo at Tasti d-Lite that at least one of them is named Rachel.
Nice Jewish Girls
Basically, these are the girls you want to bring home to mom and dad. They work in PR or media, and will never forget to remind you that their friend of a friend went to high school with “Girl With No Job.” They live with their sorority sister from AEPhi or SDT and would never be caught dead at 1OAK or Marquee, but are always down to finish a bottle of wine and watch Scandal. They live for brunch at Sadelle’s but will be sure to head to SoulCycle afterwards to burn it all off. They’re obviously from the tri-state area, but are “like, so grounded” and will put your Jewish Geography skills to shame.
Not-So Nice Jewish Girls
These girls would never leave Windsor Court without their black Balenciaga and mirrored Illesteva sunglasses. They know that they peaked in high school and never truly got over it, but conveniently developed a “gluten allergy” shortly after. They’ll never miss a weekend in Fire Island or the Hamptons over the summer, but they also really love snow. They’re *obsessed* with living in the city, but they really can’t wait to move back to Long Island so that they can drive around in their Range Rover, go to Kitchen Kabaret, and complain about everyone they know.
Moving to Murray Hill is basically a requirement for Jewish post-grads. I mean, it’s basically written in the Torah. Or maybe that was just that New York Times article from a few years ago, I don’t know. Either way, there’s one thing for sure: never leave your apartment without makeup or a sense of irony. .
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