Benefits I Wish Companies Offered


For any kid coming out of college, gainful employment is the goal, obviously. Finally getting cold hard cash for your year-round services is the only thing that makes being out of academia and college bearable. How else can we support buying all those alcohols we TOTALLY drink?

So if gainful, full time is the goal, well then, benefits are the icing on the cake. Seriously, not only does your company want to pay you, but benefits actually mean you’re an investment, and they actually want to make sure you pay off (read: Don’t die). Healthcare, Dental, COBRA, a 401(k) and more; what once seemed like foreign, grown up words are now your reality. Embrace it, Skippy.

But while some benefits are clearly more…well, beneficial than others, here’s a few more that I wish many mainstream companies offered:

McMuffin Coverage

Honestly, I’d trade dental insurance for 3 McMuffins a week in a heartbeat (which would be all the more precious if I’m eating McDonalds Breakfast 3 times a week). Nothing gets me people amped for work than McD breakfast, and any company that embraced the power of the Golden Arches would EASILY reap the benefits of a whopping 195% increase in morale. Especially if you threw in a Hashbrown HMO.

Mandatory Nap-Time

Kindergarten was the tits…literally, for certain breast-feeding late bloomers. Seriously, stop breast-feeding your kids once they’re out of diapers and are able to stand and walk of their own volition. It’s creepy to see a kid that can actually stand up and reach their mother’s boob. GROSS.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Naps. You know what would make me a much happier, well rounded person at work? A goddamn mid-day nap. Even 30 minutes of shut-eye would damn-near eliminate most health risks around the office, namely drinking extra caffeine in the afternoon. No more coffee or soda in the afternoons makes for less twitchy, edgy employees, and might also cause some of your more portly coworkers to drop a few pounds. Think about it.

On-Site Sushi Chef

I think this might fall under a larger category of “free lunch,” but takes it one extremely badass step further. Seriously, you can’t put a price on having an on-site Sushi Chef to make your employees sushi all goddamn day. I mean, technically you can, you have to pay the guy, plus make sure he has enough fresh fish to make sushi every day, not to mention enough spicy mayo to appease the people (like me) who would literally drink that shit if bottled. Plus then the office might start to smell like fish.

But fuck it, all day sushi would make me a much happier person. Wouldn’t you be happier?

Field Trips

What was the best part of school/camp? That’s right, field trips. But not to an art museum or science lab or anything like that. No way. Nuh uh. Unless you work in science and you think that’s cool, more power to you, but you stay at work and make me my flying car, dammit. Or real-life Rosie the Robots that will clean your apartment and possibly satisfy you sexually. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.

But I guarantee if your boss one day had a bunch of buses in front of your office and said “Get in, losers, we’re going to Six Flags,” you’d lose your mind faster than the old man from the commercials who dances to that song that I forget the name of and is now stuck in my head. Nothing makes for happier employees than a mystery trip to a theme park. Or the beach. Or even the movies.

Pretty Much Anything that Google Has at Their Offices

Those nerds have it made. You’d think that the people who are making the technology of tomorrow and simultaneously spying on the people today would be too busy to goof off. But that’s just simply not true.

They have scooters, an entire room devoted to Legos, video games, TVs, snacks as far as the eye can see, sleeping pods, and a bunch of other stuff that I’m too jealous of to list here. LEGOS?! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS.

That being said, if I worked in an office that had Legos, I wouldn’t get a SINGLE thing done. At all. Period. I’d literally just sit there and build Legos all goddamn day every goddamn day. And if they tried to fire me, I’d build an impenetrable fortress of Legos. Try and get me now, Security!!!

But seriously, I should’ve studied how to write code in college instead of how to write dick jokes.

On second thought…nah. Majoring in Dick Joke Theory was a wise choice.

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