What Girls Are Actually Thinking While Sexting


There are many things considered “art” in this great, big world of ours. Drawings are art, paintings are art, sculptures are art. Some kid biting off chunks of Play-doh and leaving it to harden is art. Writing this column is art if you really think about it because A) it’s literature, and B) it takes a bit more thought and talent to write for the Internet than you would originally anticipate. Want to know what else qualifies as literature and takes thought and talent? Sexting. So, by the associative property (or whatever, I’ve still never used math in the real world), sending anything with a semicolon and a closed parenthesis is an art.

Sex is the end all, be all of how I rate my week. Shitty sex, shitty week. Great sex, great week. No sex and I’m checking my pulse. It’s the slow weeks where I paint with all the colors of the wind, frolic in the deepest depths of my imagination, and appreciate all the great work they’re doing over there at Apple.

But, my God, if you’ve ever thought that a girl sexting is just raw, sexual, and completely uncensored thoughts from the dirtiest, kinkiest parts of her soul, you’re wrong again.

  • I’m horny.
  • Fuck this, fuck work, fuck grad school, fuck obligations, fuck you. Yes, please God, let me fuck you. Anybody.
  • I wonder if my fuck buddy is in town?
  • “U up?”
  • “Ha, jk. But like really, are you in town? 911.”
  • Please yes, please yes, please yes. I’ll do, like, 45% of the work this time, just please so yes.
  • DAMN IT.
  • Of course you’re not in town. The only time you’re of any use to me is when you’re underneath me.
  • “Crap lol, I was really hoping we could maybe get together later tonight…”
  • HIM: “Oh, sorry! You could always just tell me what you wanted to do tonight ;)”
  • Uh, duh. You thought this was over?
  • It wasn’t over! It still isn’t over!
  • Noah Calhoun, LOVE MEEE!
  • Okay, I need to start this out slow. Pace myself.
  • “I want to mount you like a horse.”
  • Ah, God dammit.
  • “LOL” That makes everything okay, right?
  • I’ll just end this deafening silence by going into intimate detail about all the things I want to do to your body.
  • “I want to kiss all the way down your body.”
  • Intimate details, right?
  • That sounds so stupid, omg. Plus, I’m stopping at your, like, inner thigh because nobody ever got a hard on by being kissed on the knees.
  • HIM: “Oh, really?”
  • No, this is all just some sick joke… YES, REALLY.
  • “Oh, really.”
  • Asshole.
  • HIM: “I wanna lick you up and down and…”
  • “Oh. Really? Lol”
  • “Omg I wish you were here. The things I would do to you. Unspeakable things…”
  • “Sucks so much that you’re gone. Want to know what else sucks? ;)”
  • Me. This mouth. Me and this mouth. You selfish bastard, working and making a living… HOW DARE YOU?
  • “[sends picture of cleavage and a coy smile, but mainly just cleavage]”
  • Oh God, I’ve scared him off. Great. This is just fan-fucking-tastic.
  • HIM: “Hey, sorry. Boss called lol now where were we?”
  • “I believe somewhere around me sucking, if you know what I mean 😉 ;)”
  • HIM: “I’ll give you something you can suck [attaches dick pic]”
  • *throws phone across room in fit of nervous disgust/laughter*
  • HAHAHA OMG he did it.
  • Is that really what it looks like in the daytime?
  • It’s like he has the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of penises.
  • LOL there is NO WAY it looks like that when it’s around me.
  • *screenshots picture*
  • I’m gonna Oprah the fuck out of this picture. “You get a dick pic, and you get a dick pic! EVERYBODY GETS A DICK PIC!”
  • “Hey, sorry. I totally fell asleep. Definitely need to go to bed. Up and at it early tomorrow morning lol. Night!”
  • Well. Guess it’s time to watch porn all night.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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