An Investigative Report On Hand Dryers That No One Asked For

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I’m a man that derives pleasure from the simple things in life. Sex with attractive women, good food, and a comfortable bed to rest my head at night – these are all things that I enjoy immensely. Without them, I am nothing. But I’d be remiss if I were to leave out the hand dryer as a guilty pleasure of mine. After finishing a trip to the bathroom, there is nothing quite like the excitement I get from what the restaurant or bar I’m in is working with in terms of hand drying options.

Paper towels? What is this, 2003? We live in a world of environmentally conscious beings, and while I do enjoy the efficiency of the paper towel (let’s be honest, it is the fastest way to dry your hands) it simply doesn’t fit with my general aesthetic to say that I like paper towels. There are too many attractive women in the world who are really into recycling and saving the environment. I don’t need paper towels on my list of “negative traits” because I already have way too many other ones.

So having said all of this, I present to you here a ranking of hand dryers. No one asked for it, but it’s the weekend and what the hell else are you going to read?

Towel Hand Dryer

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This is the worst of the worst. If you’re using the old school towel dryer, you’re either at a rest stop getting blown by some weird trucker for twenty bucks or you’re in a really shitty dive bar. Either way, you’re better off washing your hands and then dipping them into the toilet you just pissed into. This is not sanitary, and anyone who tells you differently is a goddamn liar. That towel just recycles itself over and over and over again.

I don’t care if the management team at that rest stop, diner, or hole in the wall says they wash it every night. Wash your hands, wipe them on your khakis, and try to hold your next pee in until you get to the next bar.

Standard Hand Dryer

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Ah, yes. The classic “hit the button with your elbow and hope the air comes on” hand dryer. This thing stays on for fifteen seconds tops, and since it was installed in 1993 the air isn’t even really all that hot. You stand there, rubbing your hands together furiously trying to get them dry, but this fucker is going to take at a minimum, three to four minutes to get your hands completely dry. When I see these after washing my hands thoroughly, I make a beeline for the door. I carefully open said door with my t-shirt or jacket and return to my table. It’s at this point that I dry my hands with table napkins because it’s a hell of a lot better than having to dry your hands using this cheap fucker.


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Okay, now we’re in business. This is like the Volvo of hand dryers. It’s safe, it’s dependable, and most importantly? It’s relatively fast. Sure, it’s not a fucking Lambo, but it’ll do the job just fine. You’ll usually find the XLERATOR at a nice family restaurant like P.F. Chang’s Bistro or Denny’s. Also, while we’re on the topic of Denny’s – don’t bad mouth it. It’s fucking good. You’re just on a high horse that you don’t deserve to be on. Grow up.

The XLERATOR is all you need in a hand dryer. If I didn’t use hand towels in my home I’d absolutely install these everywhere. It’d save time on laundry and I’d be saving the environment. Plus I could use it to dry my hair in the morning after getting out of the shower.

Dyson AB14-G Airblade dB Hand Dryer

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I just came in my pants. The Dyson AB14-G Airblade isn’t a hand dryer. It’s an out of body experience comparable to a romp in the sack with a hard 7. You know I said the XLERATOR was like a Volvo? Well, the Dyson Airblade is fucking spaceship. You stick your wet hands in one of these and ten seconds later your paws are completely, utterly dry. It’s art in hand dryer form, and you’ll only find one of these suckers at really nice airports and at restaurants where they don’t put a price next to the menu items. After I post this, I’ll be setting up an online petition addressed to President Trump himself. It will call for a mandate that all restaurants in this great country have a fucking Dyson Airblade in their bathrooms. A splendid piece of machinery if I’ve ever seen one. God Bless you, Dyson, even though you’re a cheeky little British company that still hasn’t gone public.

Images via Youtube

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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