An Interview With The Only Person My Age Who Actually Lives In The Suburbs


Our generation does a lot of things differently than our parents’, but the most significant difference is our personal lifestyle. My parents were married and had a house at my age, as were most people their age. Now, everyone I know lives in an apartment with roommates usually of the same gender. The whole marriage, house, and kids thing still happens, but it’s happening later and later. I’m close friends with literally one guy who has a wife and a kid and a house in a nice neighborhood, so I decided to pick his brain.

Me: Welcome to the interview. Bet you weren’t expecting this.

Brian: Well yeah, interviews are usually with interesting people who have something to say. I’m an accountant who plays tennis badly for fun. You’re basically only interviewing me because I’m the most boring friend you have.

Me: That is correct. Although it’s not like my interviews are particularly interesting to begin with. The last one was just Watkins and me arguing about Dave Matthews Band.

Brian: Someone paid you for that? I want a piece of that for the number of times you morons have forced me to listen to that debate at the bar over the last six years. Also, can you tell Watkins he’s banned from my house forever until he pays me back for the paint I had to buy to cover up the massive penis he drew on my son’s nursery wall?

Me: That seems fair. I assume that was his silent form of protest against you becoming a fucking white-bread stereotype.

Brian: Becoming okay with being a stereotype is the best decision I ever made.

Me: Elaborate on that.

Brian: Do you know why all of our parents settled down in the suburbs as young as they did? Because it’s fucking dope.

Me: You might be the first person to ever call a quiet community of carbon copy houses “dope.”

Brian: Good, because it’s true. When was the last time you were able to sit on a back porch, drink a beer, and hastily smoke a cigarette before your wife notices that you’re smoking, even though you know she’ll be able to smell it on you the second you walk inside?

Me: Yeah, that’s uncharted territory for me. So you do shit even though you know your wife will get mad at you for it?

Brian: Oh, all the time. My life now is basically trying to figure out how much I can annoy my wife without her divorcing me. I’m confident that having one woman who lives with you and has basically volunteered to be the subject of your pranks and immaturity for life is the most fun thing you can do, outside of maybe cocaine.

Me: Not much of that in suburbia.

Brian: You’d be surprised. You know who can afford cocaine? Music producers and married couples with dual incomes.

Me: So you guys are partying pretty hard out there?

Brian: It’s insane. Think about it. You’ve got people who are still less than a decade removed from college all living in the same neighborhood, except they all have money. So one house will throw a party, and everyone pays for babysitters, and we just get together and rage our faces off.

Me: This interview is not going like I expected. This sounds awesome.

Brian: It is. You live in L.A., which is cool and all, but you know who parties harder than poor hipsters drinking PBR and struggling actors? Well-adjusted Texans drinking medium priced wine within walking distance of their own homes. Shit gets out of control. I’ve seen more things get broken in one party than during an entire semester at the frat house.

Me: Impressive. Any sexual shenanigans going on?

Brian: Well, it’s not really the adultery fest that you single, apartment-living folks might be assuming, but there’s definitely some shit going on. We’re all still a little young for everyone to be tired of their spouses and cheat with each other, but things do get kind of rowdy between couples: guys and their wives hooking up in the laundry room at get-togethers, people into all sorts of weird kinky shit. Hell, I can’t prove it, but I’m almost positive at least three couples around here are swinging with each other.

Me: You make it sound like the old Penthouse Forum stuff we always assumed was made up.

Brian: I mean, we’re not drunk fuck rabbits every day. We all have jobs and responsibilities and shit, but when we cut loose, it gets real.

Me: How’s marriage? Haven’t gotten it on since the kid?

Brian: You would ask that question, you horny weirdo. And no–if anything, it’s gotten better. The kid’s sleeping, like, 12 hours a day now, so we’re well-rested, and if anything, she’s trying to jump my dick more than ever. Are you using my real name in this?

Me: I can.

Brian: Yeah, let’s not. My parents are on the internet these days.

Me: Do your parents take you more seriously as a person now that you have a mortgage and a child?

Brian: Not really. It mostly just gives us more shit to complain about together, if anything. My dad’s just a wellspring of, “just wait until fill-in-the-blank milestone.” But they live 30 minutes away, so hey, free babysitters. Plus, I can use quality time with their grandkid as leverage for shit. They love that bastard more than me at this point.

Me: That’s fun. Well, I think that wraps things up, unless there’s anything you want to add.

Brian: Yeah, when are you getting married and moving back out here? Aren’t you tired of the West Coast yet?

Me: That’s a LOT of things to put in place, man. I haven’t had a real date in more than a year.

Brian: Pussy.

Me: Thanks, man.

Image via Shutterstock

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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