A Blond Man’s Realization That He Can’t Grow A Good Beard To Save His Life

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I’ve come to a sobering realization in the past week or so that I will never be a guy who can sport a beard. After years of denial, I’m here to tell you that blond facial hair simply does not make for a good beard, and ever so slowly I’m coming to grips with that fact.

They say that time heals all wounds and I can attest to that – except when it comes to the art of growing a beard. It’s been difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be a beard guy.

Time and time again the same thing happens – what begins as stubble turns into a beard the same color as my skin tone, and I’m left to get cackled at by my friends who can grow luscious black and brown beards as long as they please.

The worst part about all of this is that that I can grow a full beard no questions asked. It takes four or five days for me to have a legitimate beard on my face. The hair grows in thick all over, and there isn’t a single spot where it looks patchy or adolescent in any way. The issue is the color.

When I grow my beard out, it is flesh colored and strange looking. It’s like it blends right into my skin color and you can hardly notice that there’s anything there unless you’re right up close. Does anyone remember when Spencer Pratt lost his mind shortly after The Hills ended? He got into magic healing crystals and he began making videos that he hoped TMZ or one of the other million gossip rags would buy.

Well, that’s pretty much what I look like. A psychotic person off of his meds. There is something wholly unnatural about a blond man with a beard. I have a couple buddies who are blond whose facial hair comes in red, but now that I’m thinking about it that might be even worse than having a flesh colored beard like mine.

Ever since I saw a movie called Jeremiah Johnson, I wanted to grow a beard. I was in elementary school and I distinctly remember sitting in my living room with my dad and identifying with Robert Redford’s character because we both had blond hair.

His locks flew in the breeze effortlessly, and he was a mountain man who lived his life in isolation. He foraged for his food with the help of a more experienced outdoorsman and eventually had to fight off Crow Indians. It’s a great movie, but the point I’m trying to make here is that he had one hell of a beard. But there’s no goddamn way that his beard color was natural. He had to have gotten that dyed on set.

For many of us, a beard is basically make up for men. I’m under the impression that some men wear beards because they have something to hide. You can conceal a weak jawline, a poor complexion, and a “fat face” with a beard. But sometimes you simply don’t feel like shaving for a while or you want to just get out of your own skin for a little bit. That’s where a beard comes in handy for many of us.

In college, I experimented heavily with facial hair. I’d grow out my wispy blond mustache and shave mutton chops expertly onto my face. I would grow everything out only to have girls come up and say things like, “Ew! Shave your face what are you doing?” It’s the curse I live with as a blond man. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again: blond men are a minority group.

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t want a beard for my own satisfaction. I want one purely for the attention that beards get from the opposite sex. Most girls in 2017 like a beard on their suitors, and just once I’d like to feel the power that a man must feel when he walks into a bar with well groomed facial hair. A beard on a man is like a set of great tits or a perfect ass on a girl. I’m pretty sure it’s irresistible to the female population. Alas, I don’t think I’ll ever know that feeling.

And sure, I could dye my beard I guess. I think I’d feel like I was copping out if I did that though. If you’re a blond male or just anyone who has seen a blond man with a beard, I think you’ll agree that it just looks fucking strange.

Many men wear beards because it makes them look older. When I wear a beard I look like a registered sex offender. Think Rust Cohle in True Detective.

I’m stuck with shaving once every two or three days for the rest of my life and I’ll probably continue to get carded well into my forties with the punchable face I’ve got. I envy you guys out there who can grow a solid beard. Must be fucking nice.

Image via Youtube

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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