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You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Take a step back. You really think it’s okay to drink a glorified Juicy Juice instead of a real drink? You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Ciders are the fastest growing adult beverage segment in America, and breweries are all playing snatch and grab with the latest–and extremely troubling–alcohol trend. It’s pretty much just a fancy word for “sweet beer,” and to call it beer is probably unfair in the first place. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
I got wise to the cider craze when I was watching a football game about a year ago. There were back-to-back ads for Johnny Appleseed and Red’s Apple Ale. I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Who in the sweet hell would ever drink such a ridiculous drink?” Apparently, everyone in America.
It’s the new fad among beer snobs who turn up their nose at Budweiser, who scoff at decent craft beers like Fat Tire. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
The rise of cider is like that of PBR. Ooh, look at me, I’m drinking cider. Put down that Strongbow and grab a real drink. Strongbow might be the most badass name for an alcoholic beverage since Mad Dog 20/20, but in the same breath, they’re both garbage. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Am I saying that drinking cider makes you less manly? Of course not. I’m simply saying that it does not make you as unique as you think it does. If I see you actually say the words “hmm, I’ll have a cider” at the bar, you better be damn sure you have a kung fu grip on that sumbitch, because I’m sure as shit going to slap it out of your hands and shame you in front of the entire bar. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Look, I get part of the appeal of cider beers. They all have awesome fucking names: Strongbow, Angry Orchard, Woodchuck, Crispin(!), Cidré. I can only imagine how badass I’d sound when I bellied up to the bar and told the local barmaid, “One Strongbow, eight shots of whiskey, and your cheapest pack of cigarettes.” Instead, if you order a Strongbow, you might as well ask for maraschino cherries on the side with an umbrella, a straw, and a blue curaçao floater. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Again, I’m not saying you’re a pussy if you order a cider. I’m just saying that if you were to walk into a liquor store and toss a sixer of Woodchuck under your arm, someone who wasn’t any wiser might think you’re on your way to a wood chopping competition. Instead, you’re probably just headed home for a nice “Two and a Half Men” Netflix marathon and a hefty Domino’s order. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Anyone who drinks is a friend of mine, but quite honestly, I’m not down with anyone who drinks this crap. You can’t drink more than one. I am by no means an alcoholic, but I am a person who enjoys getting sufficiently drunk and limiting the consequences of said sufficient drunkenness. None of that involves drinking super dry, alcoholic Welch’s sparkling cider. You’re not fooling anyone with that cider.
Drinking cider does not make you a beautiful, sophisticated snowflake. It does not make you more refined. It makes you look like a damn fool. Drink one, that’s fine. Drink two, you’re pushing it. Drink a whole sixer of it and my god, I guarantee your dumbass life dream is to live on a farm somewhere in the English countryside close to a town with a pub and a Football League One team as you listen to Vitamin String Quartet while you write your shitty memoirs and live off of the government.
You’re not fooling anyone with that cider..
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Our Founding Father’s drank hard cider. I guess you don’t want to party with them when they were KICKING ENGLAND’S ASS. They got all liquored up, dressed up and threw shit in the ocean just because. Learn your history tubby.
They also had wooden teeth, owned slaves and syphilis.
Number of super powers the Founding Fathers knocked off getting shit faced on cider: 1
Number of super powers Brian McGannon and his frat swoop, beer snobbery and punchable face have knocked off: 0
Open and shut case.
Call my hair a frat swoop again.
Frat. Swoop.
http://southparkstudios.mtvnimages.com/images/shows/south-park/clip-thumbnails/season-15/1511/south-park-s15e11c11-bro-down-16×9.jpg?
This guy really likes his cider.
I do believe we have found our douche for this article
You must be new here brah…
But am I fooling anyone with my cider?
Let’s be honest, telling the barmaid that you want “One Strongbow, eight shots of whiskey, and your cheapest pack of cigarettes” actually still does sound pretty bad-ass, cider be damned.
I’m with you on this one, Brian. Hard cider is the new Smirnoff Ice or Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I’ll take a cold Budweiser over those any day. Or just a double scotch.
I..I….I like ciders 🙁
Can it Einhorn!
“Drink a whole sixer of it and my god, I guarantee your dumbass life dream is to live on a farm somewhere in the English countryside close to a town with a pub and a Football League One team as you listen to Vitamin String Quartet while you write your shitty memoirs and live off of the government.”
The accuracy in this statement is fucking uncanny. Pretty much anyone who drinks cider here has this exact dream, and will not hesitate to give you all the details about it.
The local stuff around here is usually in 4-packs of 6.9% ABV 16oz’ers. Buy two packs and head straight into fucked up town without any guesswork if you’re not feeling hard liquor.
Most IPAs are at least that strong, and if you really want to get hammered, try a pack of Dogfish Head Palo Santo Marron. It’s an aged brown ale and is 12.5%. There’s no excuse for cider.
Or I could just pound some refreshing ciders before going out and not feel like shit all night. If that’s OK with you.
Gottttt Heeeeeeeeem!
“Strongbow, Angry Orchard, Woodchuck, Crispin(!), Cidré
These are all pretty much the Bud’s of ciders. Most are owned by one of the big beer companies. I’m a beer guy myself, but there are some ciders that are on the drier, less sweet side of things that these
Just going to point at that that is a pint of lager. Not cider. Do not besmirch Simon Pegg’s greatness by affiliating him with Cider.
Well, yeah, the foam should give that away (does cider have foam? I try to avoid drinking it, though I don’t care if other people do).
Cider is fucking delicious. Fight me, McGannon.