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They hadn’t had lunch together since May of the previous year. Somehow, they had fallen completely out of contact outside of occasionally liking one another’s Instagrams and having a Snapchat streak that dated back to February. Tired of concerning herself with the talk surrounding Caroline’s wedding, she reached out to him with a text.
“Lunch at Fit tomorrow?” she asked.
Responding immediately, he shot back, “Ugh, can’t until after 1 because I’m teaching spin classes all morning.”
“Umm, that’s perf,” she excitedly responded. “I just signed up for your 12:15 so now you HAVE to go with me.”
Still sweating from their class, they waited at the hostess stand. The restaurant, known for their vegan-friendly offerings, was winding down their lunch rush that consisted mainly of a nine-to-five crowd. Once approached by the hostess, she pointed towards a table in the corner by the window – “Any chance we can have that one?” It had yet to be cleared off, but they insisted on being sat there because it was the premier table in the entire restaurant.
Upon sitting down, they each asked for waters with lemon, and she requested a mintade from the waitress.
“Sooooooo,” Tyler began. “Tell me everything.”
She jokingly rolled her eyes and pressed her elbows on the table after putting her already-messy hair into a top-bun. “I, like, don’t even know where to begin.”
These two had originally met over a year ago. After she had attended one of Tyler’s (or “Ty,” as she called him) spin classes, she followed him on Instagram and their pseudo-friendship blossomed gradually before they both became “too busy” with their “own things” to maintain their regular coffee dates. But in light of Caroline’s wedding seemingly taking over her life, she had a realization that Ty would be the perfect confidant as he had never been the biggest Caroline fan to begin with.
“Idk,” Ty said. “Let’s start with Todd. How’s Todd? I just love saying his name. Todd, Todd, Todd.”
“Todd is so good,” she beamed. “You already probably know this from Insta, but we moved in together and our place is, like, the best.”
“Mid-century modern much?” Ty joked. They both laughed before she explained that “MCM was just her style.”
As the waitress put down her mintade, he asked if they were ready to order. They each looked at each other, laughed, and said, “Ugh, no, we’ve barely even looked at the menu yet.”
Ty ran his finger down the menu while explaining that he was over acai bowls, especially considering he’d probably eaten over a hundred at Fit over the last calendar year. “I know this is pricey,” he added, “But I think I might get this grains bowl with a salmon filet on it. Jay got it last week and it looked so good.”
“Ooooh,” she snickered. “And who, may I ask, is Jay?”
He blushed. “Oh, just a boy.”
The waitress came back and interrupted their conversation yet again before taking their order. Ty, a grains bowl with salmon, and her, avocado toast on gluten-free bread. Just upon the waitress leaving, she shot back to Ty.
“Okay, Ty, tell me about Jay!”
“He’s no one!” he responded back. “It’s def not long-term and it’s so complicated that it’s not even worth getting into.”
“Ugh,” she grunted. “Fine. Can I vent to you about something?”
“Dish, girl.”
“Caroline hasn’t said who her Maid of Honor is yet, and it’s fucking. killing. me.”
He dismissed her statement’s importance almost immediately before chiming in, “Typical Caroline, always wanting the attention to be on her.”
“It’s not even that I want to be her Maid of Honor that badly,” she continued. “But, like, I just want to know, you know?”
Ty reached forward and grabbed her hand. “Sister, if she doesn’t choose you, it’ll be a worse decision than the FaceTuning she did on her arm during her engagement party. Trust.”
They both leaned back in their chairs and laughed while she cackled, “Ty! You’re the worst!”
“No, but like, seriously, Ty,” she said. “I bet it’s Katie. It’s always Katie.”
“Either way,” Ty said, “You might want to think about, you know, preparing before the ceremony.” While saying that, Ty took one finger and did a circular motion around his face.
Her jaw dropped, but not in a way that showed she was actually mad. Simply in a way that said, “You’re so bad, Ty.”
“Are you seriously going to try to get me to get botox again?” she asked.
“It’s preventative!” he said. “You have to be proactive before it gets out of control!”
She shushed him as the waitress approached the table again, this time with their dishes. Ty’s eyes became wide looking at his perfectly cooked salmon resting on top of his bowl. It steamed as the waitress set it in front of him, and he looked wide-eyed as she complimented his selection. The waitress began setting her plate down and she looked with a tinge of disgust at the cold, pressed avocado rested on top of the barely toasted bread. And just after the waitress asked if they needed anything else, she looked up at her.
“Is there, like, any possible way I could get what he has instead? It just looks so good.” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Things Ty (Wants) To Do After Graduation: Todd
I want to fight them both so bad but one is domestic violence and the other is a hate crime. Fuck it, though.
*Only if you get caught
I hope this upcoming ceremony resembles the red wedding from GOT
With more death, much more.
WTF is mintade?
Sounds like a virgin mojito
If you’re unemployed (like the Girl is) and not drinking at lunch I have no idea what the fuck you’re doing with your life.
Brojitos at lunch, Thad Castle would approve.
Someone really needs to take up the mantle of making a profile for Thad Castle on here. I feel his contributions would be stellar
Good to know I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what mintade is. A quick google search reveals its a citrus juice made from oranges, limes, grapefruit, lemon, and mint leaves
Pronounced it min-tah-day in my head for a second and thought to myself “What the hell is that!?”
Then I Googled it and felt dumb.
I was pronouncing it Mintahd thinking it was another overpriced water or kombucha crap (still not 100% what this is) then I too, used the Googles and realized you could probably get this at Sonic. My FOMO decreased significantly after that.
But then again, I drink my water from the tap so what do I know?
At this point I just have absolutely no idea where you’re going with this.
TGDAG: Catch the bouquet…..
It’s more fictional blogging than an actual story, structure and plot not necessary.
Nice chart, but it needs to be interactive. Mouse over a name and see what petty bullshit feuds seethe under the surface for each character. It’ll add another level of voyeurism and pettiness to these horrible parodies of humanity.
I don’t see how that’s the only feature you want added…. How about showing Girl and Tripp are exes, the custody battle over sperry, and #TeamClaire? Those are big enough parts of the story that need documentation.
Agreed. No mention of how Tripp is Girl’s ex and how Alex is kinda on the hoebag side.
aka my kind of lady
It also left out poor Sperry.
Chances she requests to speak to the manager about removing the avocado toast from the bill: Hunnid.
Eh, money ain’t a thang to girl. I mean don’t forget she grew up in a house hardly smaller than whatever monstrosity Caroline’s dad has.
I had no idea people under 40 got Botox
Apparently you’ve never been to Arizona State.
Or Southern California
I went to college in Florida, so I thought I had seen it all. I thought wrong
My last girlfriend was still in college (PGP) and had already gotten botox. Born to be a trophy wife… which now that I think of it is probably why it didn’t work out.
The Botox will go wrong and her face will look like a bloated rubber mask. Then Todd can finally escape without guilt.
With Sperry in tow.
I think your ‘gay best friend’ depiction tops your ‘basic white girl’
After a break this week, your regularly scheduled Things Girls Do After Graduation will be back next week…
(We hope).