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Yesterday, my dear friend 5OClockShadow wrote about the 8 Reasons Why Perpetually Single Women Stay Single. As I read it, I laughed, I cried, and most importantly, I related. But it also got me thinking that while yes, single women do it to themselves, our male counterparts are no better. Single people can suck regardless of gender.
1. They change their minds on big things too late in the relationship.
Nobody likes a completely unwarranted curveball thrown at him or her. If you test the waters the first few months of a relationship by being completely honest, you’re going to get an accurate feel for the person. If you switch your views on core relational values after that initial phase, you’re going to freak your partner the heck out. Baiting and switching are not the grounds for a relationship, and too often, single people think they need to appeal to the likings of the man or woman they are trying to impress. If you have to pretend to be someone else to get another person to like you, you will be miserable two months down the road. If that person doesn’t like you for who you are up front, he or she probably still won’t like you when you’ve come out of your shell two months later.
2. They have overly specific, unrealistic expectations.
Women can’t always be a collection of Kate Upton’s rack, Jen Settler’s booty, and Emma Stone’s personality wrapped up into one perfectly proportioned package of delicacy and adorableness. Men can’t always be the total package of Zac Efron’s washboard abs, Chris Evans’ perfectly symmetrical facial structure, and the charm of 1,000 Matthew McConaughey one liners. We will never be able to Photoshop our bodies to look like the models in the posters you once hung in your dorm and now stash under your bed, so lower your damn standards. The best I can promise you is a Snapchat text line strategically covering my double chin when I send you nudies. Single men say while watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show that they understand those women don’t accurately represent the average female, yet they are disgusted by the tiniest hint of cellulite or the smallest stretch mark. Single women say “Magic Mike” was oversaturated with perfection, making it unrealistic, yet they won’t look twice at men who cannot grate cheese off their stomachs.
3. They’re self-centered.
Buying drinks on the first date does not mean you are a selfless man with a big heart and a generous outlook on life, just like offering to pay for your portion of the bill halfheartedly knowing he’s going to do it anyway doesn’t reflect on a girl’s character, either. Like Clocks said, it’s about an equal balance of give and take. For example, the overarching theme of oral sex not needing to be reciprocated while still being expected solely on your end is a whole bunch of bologna. That’s called being a selfish lover, my dudes. And ladies, it’s 2014. Stop expecting him to buy you every meal out like you’re a princess who needs to be taken care of. If single people just used the golden rule and treated their significant others as they wished to be treated, life would be great and everyone could more easily find someone special.
4. They’re unpleasant drunks.
Maybe it’s just a handful of the guys I’ve dated, but it seems that there’s a huge group of men out there who love to destroy things when intoxicated. University of Maryland beat Duke in a rivalry basketball game that only UMD cares about? BURN ALL OF THE COUCHES! Had too many beers at the local watering hole? PUNCH HOLES IN ALL OF THE WALLS! Maybe they think this sheer destructive violence displays some sort of masculinity, when really it’s just terrifying and plain stupid. No woman in her right mind should want to be with a guy who turns into the Hulk whenever he surpasses his limit, just like how no man would ever want to be in a relationship with a woman who is off the walls crazy. I can’t imagine a bigger turnoff for a guy than a girl who has one drink and suddenly becomes a bipolar, man-hating, oversensitive jerkazoid. Yeah, that’s right, I said jerkazoid. Not only should you learn your drersonality (drunk personality) before you go drinking with someone you’re interested in, but you should confidently be able to reel that sucker in. Dranner (Drunk Nanner) likes to take an article of clothing off for every drink she has. So, before going to the bars with a special someone, she layers the fuck up. (And with Dranner being a different person from Nanner, that third person chit chat is totally justified.)
5. They have a huge chip on their shoulder.
Sometimes men and women can be so opinionated that they feel any sort of disagreement is a personal attack. For example, if I were to say, “I really don’t like it when you talk to me that way,” and you said, “What, so you think I’m a woman hater now?” we’d be dunzos. I would expect a guy to kick me to the curb if I point blank told him again and again that he is just flat out wrong for thinking the way he thinks. If you can’t stand to be disagreed with politely, you’re literally never going to land a respectable companion, because, well, this isn’t the 1800s, and your opinion is no better than mine. Quit belittling others because you think you are all knowing in a topic that probably has some definite gray areas.
6. They can’t even.
Sometimes men and women will break up with each other with no explanation whatsoever. I was once broken up with over a Facebook message that said, “I cannot be with you. It’s been great knowing you.” Who even does that? Sometimes men and women feel entitled to break things off without an explanation, believing it leaves them as the winner of the relationship. This attitude of being the superior in either the relationship or the imminent breakup is one way to remain perpetually single. By trying to one-up the other because you’re insecure about yourself, you feed into those insecurities at the cost of leaving another person alone, confused, and probably heartbroken. It’s a lose-lose situation.
7. They’re overly proud of being single.
Men love the status of being the one with the crazy, suave, bachelor pad and women like to use the word “single” synonymously with “fun.” There’s no reason to be ashamed of being single, but when you parade around with it as a defining characteristic, you’re just telling all the single men and women of the world that you think you are too good for them. Deep down, you’re hiding your insecurities with a façade of happiness being alone. Like, come on. We all know you’re miserable.
8. They’re fucking nuts.
I’m not sure which gender is inherently crazier. Women tend to more often be labeled the C word, but men can be just as bad. At the end of the day, crazy is a gender-neutral guarantee that you will be single for the rest of your life. Hope you’re not allergic to cats.