7 Ways To Make Money That Don’t Involve You Rotting In A Cube

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1. Taking The Hard Foul In The Paint

Sometimes you just need to take one for the one-man team and step off that curb just a tad. Now, make sure you don’t die, because then the only people who get your settlement money are your greedy family members. You did not work as hard and tenaciously as you have your entire life for it to just go to the birds. Take that broken leg and get yourself a brand new car.

2. Eating Contests

Now I may have made this up, but I have a feeling that competitive eaters get paid. Maybe only at the top, but just because you don’t feel like working in the traditional sense, doesn’t mean you don’t strive to be #1. Even if your amateur months of shoving your face don’t bring on the big bucks, at least you’ll be eating (and barfing) for free.

3. Rare Animal Breeding/Distribution

One pretty intense episode of Law & Order: SVU leads me to believe this also might be illegal, but there’s gotta be some sort of loophole. The challenge here will be finding your niche market, aka the biggest fucking weirdos on the planet who have a small “farm” approximately 300 miles from the nearest road. Craigslist will be your go-to here. Bring some pepper spray, but to pretend like you’ll have defense against these sociopaths.

4. Internet Trolling

Maybe this is really just my own personal and revolutionary breakthrough to our society, but I’m flabbergasted that you can’t get paid to be a douche on the internet for 8 hours a day. Oh wait, you definitely can. Anywho, you gotta find a way to just really push everyone’s buttons and elicit responses. I mean even on the Parents Page of Huffpost. I dare you.

5. Be A Guinea Pig

I know someone who once participated in a study on the Pharmacogenetics of the Canaboid Response during the summer before they went abroad. For all non-bio majors (neither was I), it essentially looks at how your brain reacts to THC, and how it interacts with some drug they developed for Alzheimers. Yes, they got paid almost a grand to have medical grade THC injected into their blood stream after which they were asked to complete various computer based tasks. They also got to nap for 2 hours after having a sandwich. HOW COULD THIS GET ANY BETTER? DO IT NOW.

6. Selling Your Bodily Fluids/Organs

Okay, so I’m pretty sure selling an actual organ is illegal, at least in this country. But I know you can sell your eggs for a pretty penny. Turns out they have pretty high standards for this too, like being able to read and feed yourself. Might not be for everyone. As for the guys, get paid to do what you do 4-6 times a day anyway! Just try not to cry too loudly in the doctor’s office. You’ll make all the assistants uncomfortable.

7. Selling Your Body

I mean, it’s the oldest profession in history. Even you bros with the beer guts, some sicko cougar will love you for just one night.

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

• @maryswansonPGP