Generally when I get “Team Snapchat” snaps, I either delete them because I don’t need some guy in Palo Alto soliciting my time with animation or quirky jokes, or I watch them and replay them because it’s the only snap I got that morning. But when I saw the Snapchat update this morning, I was astounded. Snapchat just decided to step up its game–big time. With all of these great new features, though (which, for the record, are going to eat up my data like Chris Christie at a CiCi’s) I was hesitant about a few things I saw.
1. Dirty IMs Can Now Accompany Dick Pics
“Jesus Christ, Tom! This is the third cock shot today!”
For a guy, this isn’t really a big deal. I don’t get dick pics (that often) but I am all for a little snap instant message dirty talk in the middle of a steamy exchange of semi-plastered nip slips. Take a look at Tom’s context up there–he’s just waiting behind that text box, waiting intently. She has no idea what it could be. While the unpredictability of Snapchat has always been an issue (the main reason I have a privacy screen on my phone) adding text chat makes it a little bit more evil. I sincerely hope that “Asshole or hair belly button?” doesn’t become a thing, either.
2. Live Updates On What People Are Eating
“Bitch, I’m at the pool. I don’t care about froyo right now.”
While everyone on the Internet seems to have an issue with people posting what they’re eating on social media, it never really bothered me. I mean, it’s infuriating when it’s something minor like the same Starbucks coffee you get each morning, but I have an appreciation for a nicely crafted meal. So you go, Glen Coco–no one makes chicken and noodles like you on Stir-Friday. But again, it’s the live updates that are going to kill this. Before, still images of your cheesecake from T.G.I. Fridays were fine, but now it’s going to be the waiter delivering it to you, and you’re going to request me in so I can put on a fake smile and be like, “mmmm Lucy, that looks great! Just what you need before beach season!” My retaliation for these kind of snaps will be loud, open-mouthed chewing. You’ve been warned.
3. My Parents And Grandparents Will Get In On The Action
“Bogey, Bogey…is that you? They make these screens so little.”
When everyone in my family went to iPhones, that was fine with me. I was just about to graduate with my fancy-smancy IT degree, so, by default, that made me my family’s personal Geek Squad. I set up everyone’s Apple IDs, taught them about texting and touchscreens and emojis and FaceTime, and things were good for a while. Then the iPads came, and I would receive calls at 7 p.m. from my grandma asking me how to get Toffee Crush. (“The news lady said it was fun!”) Then, before I knew it, I was synching iPads to smart TVs because my mom needed to watch “Hung” for whatever reason, and everything just went to shit. We all know that this update is going to make waves, so the first thing I’ll hear is, “How do I get this Snapchat they’re talking about at work?” Now it’ll be just one more loose end I need to tie up and, like, six more people I need to block from my news feed.
4. My Boss Will Be On It
“That doesn’t look like the quarterly QR sheet…”
Remember when you could wake up “sick” because the moment you woke from your slumber, the day just felt right for screwdrivers and watching old “Rescue Me” episodes? Yep, those days are gone now. Remember when you could go out and share an awesome part of a concert on your feed or mass-snap a picture of your Fireball and Red Bull, proclaiming it was the best thing since “sliced bread and Jesus”? I hope you’re careful about who you send it to, because like anything sacred in an office, there’s a 90 percent chance your boss will know about it and he’ll be on there. You’ll have to watch your back–even if it’s after 5:30.
5. Obnoxious Updates On Daily Life
“Hey! What’s up? Brushing my teeth!”
“Hey, me too! What kind of toothpaste do you–“
Ten seconds just isn’t enough to know everything about everyone.
6. Screenshot Isn’t Going Away
“Okay guys, smile! Charlie, what’s wrong?!”
It was never going to go away because it’s the perfect form of blackmail. Besides, who would ever want to let this guy here get away with the blatant “I’m holding in a fart because there are women here” face. Should’ve cropdusted at the bar when you picked up that Mason jar of Sunkist and vanilla Stoli, bud.