5 People You Should Never Trust

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If you ask me, you should trust basically no one. I claimed the other day that the only people I trust are my mom and Mr. Rogers, and only because he’s dead. I stand by that. You can’t go through life trusting people, but if you have to, if you feel like you need to participate in society as a normal human being, and offering up your trust is a part of that, then at least hear me out on a few people that you should never trust.

Cell Phone Salespeople

It baffles me how good cell phone salespeople are at their jobs. I mean, the position doesn’t pay very well, and even with the commission, it’s still on the super low end of sales jobs. You’d assume that anyone who had serious sales chops would be out of there and into more fruitful pastures as soon as possible. But man, those guys are good. You’re there to sign up for a plan. You want an iPhone, but you don’t really care about having the newest model, so you’re planning on getting a refurbished iPhone 5S. By the time you leave that place, you’ve got the brand new iPhone, with the largest capacity memory, more data than you could ever use, unlimited minutes even though you never talk on the phone, the most expensive warranty that pretty much covers the cost of what it would be to replace your phone straight up, extra customer service access you’ll never use, and a protective case that’s marked up 1400% for what you could buy it for on eBay. Congratulations, friend. Your cell phone bill is now higher than your student loan monthly payment.

Blackjack Dealers

Dealers are like strippers, except they’re more dishonest, and don’t even do you the favor of getting naked. Not that you’d particularly like to see your 50-year-old Asian lady dealer naked, anyway. They’re selling you the same lie, which is “I care about you and what you want.” They’re also doing it for the same reason: tips. Strippers will compliment you, flirt with you, listen to your stupid stories, and basically woo you. The good thing is, everyone knows the score before playing the game. With dealers, you’re told that they’re employees of the house, which you assume means they’ll be dispassionate about anything that goes on. And some of them are, but others play the game. They have no stake in the house winning. They WANT you to hit that face card. They’d love nothing more than for you to take the casino for everything it has, right? Wrong. If there’s any level on which they want you to win, it’s only so you’ll stick around the table longer, and you’ll continue tipping them one-dollar chippies. But make no mistake, they could not care less about you, and they have no vested interest in whether you’ll be able to make rent after this hand or not.

People With Petitions

I’m suspicious of people who promote causes. Not because I think that causes aren’t worth belonging to, but because I don’t know their motivation. The first person of this type is the dreadlocked dude standing outside your grocery store. Does he care about the petition for a homelessness bill that he hasn’t actually read? Maybe. He could be a volunteer, or he could be doing it for minimum wage because of his criminal record. No way of knowing. Same goes for online petitions. Why distrust an online petition? Because they’re ineffective. People in positions of power don’t care how many anonymous computer users clicked a button on their mouse and entered a likely bogus email address. So anyone who’s trying to get you to get involved in one is either stupid, overly idealistic, or wants your information for some sketchy reason. By the way, none of those is a good option.

Your Girlfriend’s Male Friends

This absolutely goes in both gender directions, I just didn’t think “Your Significant Other’s Friends Of The Opposite Sex” was quite as catchy, so we’re gonna stick with the male-centric pronouns, because it’s easier, and if you listen to Tumblr, because I’m an agent of the patriarchy. Anyway, I digress. The only thing I’ve written more about than the concept of male/female platonic friendship is Christian Slater’s acting career, so this is definitely my area of expertise. Overall, it’s fine for your girlfriend to have guy friends. Why? Well, mostly because she’s an adult human being who’s allowed to make her own decisions. But beyond that, there are a lot of advantages to her having a male friend outlet. However, you should never, ever fucking ever trust them. Notice I’m not saying you can’t trust her around them. They’re the ones you have to worry about. It’s not just the blatantly obvious worry that they might be trying to sleep with her. In all likelihood, that’s not gonna happen, and if it does, then you don’t really wanna be with her anyway. But what you have to worry more about is them trying to poison the well. She’ll share frustrations with them, and in their white knighty way, they’ll give her “guy advice,” which is really “relationship sabotaging advice in an attempt to drive a wedge between you.” You’re the one dating her, not him, so don’t let him get into a position where his opinion is worth more than yours.

Anyone On The Internet

Like, do I really have to explain this one? Trust no one online. Yes, that includes me.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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