40 Realistic Facebook Relationship Statuses


As much as we hate to admit it, we are part of the “Facebook official” generation. If you have a Facebook account, the biggest move you can make (apparently) with another organic being is going “Facebook official,” meaning you and some other person are trumpeting some kind of relationship to the world, good or bad. Even if you try to keep it private and not put a relationship status on your profile, others on Facebook can actually ask you whether or not you are in a relationship. Not in a personalized message, either–it’s an actual Facebook feature. You know, because creepy, random, automated messages really embody the concept of romance.

Facebook’s current relationship status options include “single,” “in a relationship,” “engaged,” “married,” “in a civil union,” “in a domestic partnership,” “in an open relationship,” “it’s complicated,” “separated,” “divorced,” and “widowed.” Yawn, gag, and snore. While each of these could cover a wide range of actual relationship statuses–and in my opinion, the more vague, the better–they are not specifically accurate to your current relationship status. Hypothetically, in Zuckerberg’s privacy-free utopia, we would have more realistic Facebook relationship statuses that would let others know EXACTLY what was going on in our relationships. Whether your current relationship status is on the down low or out in the open, serious or casual, romantic or strictly primal, any of these would be more accurate than Facebook’s actual relationship status options.

  1. “Hanging out” with:
  2. “Talking” to:
  3. In a secret relationship with:
  4. Desperately trying to bang:
  5. Staying very late in the office on Thursday nights with:
  6. Slump busting with:
  7. Getting Lewinsky-ed by:
  8. Having an affair with:
  9. “Oh, we’re just friends” with:
  10. Friends with benefits with:
  11. Sending unwarranted dick pics to:
  12. Sending banana selfies to:
  13. Pretending to not hate:
  14. Only texting and sleeping with:
  15. Chronically forgetting to text back:
  16. Getting weekly drunk voicemails from:
  17. Sleeping only when I’m bored with:
  18. Tinder messaging with:
  19. Receiving but consistently refusing to reciprocate oral from:
  20. Texting but not actually doing anything with:
  21. In a swingers group with:
  22. In a polygamous relationship with:
  23. Currently having the upper hand over:
  24. Getting drunken OTPHJs from but striking out sober with:
  25. Catfishing:
  26. Getting overly persistent texts from:
  27. Drunkenly making out every Saturday with:
  28. Casually flirting at work with:
  29. Openly flirting at work with:
  30. Snapchatting when I’m bored at work with:
  31. Got birthday boobs from:
  32. Motorboating every Cinco de Mayo:
  33. Pregaming your REAL dates with:
  34. Cuddle buddying with:
  35. Using being a cuddle buddy to try and get laid with:
  36. Hookup skill honing buddies with:
  37. Neighborly sexual tension with:
  38. Mutual friends claim they’re setting me up with:
  39. Openly flirting at Chipotle on Mondays with:
  40. Deeply in love with: My Chipotle steak quesarito.

If only Facebook would actually allow my quesarito and me to be Facebook official, I’d actually update my freaking relationship status.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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