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Last week, I wrote a column called 20 Subtle Ways To Tell Your Girlfriend She’s Not Getting The Ring Anytime Soon. It turned out pretty great, and I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback on it. People even stop me in the street and say “Hey, you’re that JayTas guy! That column was high-larious! Hope you don’t get murdered in your sleep!” And I say “Thanks, whimsical imaginary stranger!”
Then a couple of nights ago, I woke up to this list under my pillow, penned by my girlfriend, written in blood that may or may not be my blood. I can’t find any exit wounds, but I have a sinking feeling it’s my own blood. With permission from local law enforcement and religious leaders, here now is the list that’s caused my insomnia for the last few nights, and the sinister, maniacal gleam in my girlfriend’s eyes.
- When you make your man dinner (if you’re into that sort of thing), violently and repeatedly hack any phallic-shaped foods to pieces. Carrots, Zucchini, Bananas, whatever – just Lorena Bobbit that shit, so he sees that you mean business.
- Ask your boyfriend if you should “get a Brazilian.” When he inevitably says yes, hook up with Eduardo, your hunky Brazilian personal trainer.
- Smear peanut butter on your nether regions before your boyfriend goes downtown. He’s allergic to peanuts. Hide his epi-pen.
- Instead of reading, Tinder in bed.
- Turn your entire condom supply into water balloons and hurl them at him as soon as he comes home from work.
- Follow the three S’s: Stop Showering, Stop Shaving, Start Shoveling food into your face.
- Tattoo a picture of his mother above your hoo-hah.
- When he goes in to hug you, slap him and tell him he has to leave room for Jesus. You’re both Jewish.
- You think of yourselves as Lucy and Ricky Ricardo; separate beds and all.
- Point and giggle every time he pulls down his pants.
- Take all his comic books out of alphabetical order. Then when he complains about it, punch him in the face and break his glasses. Fucking nerd.
- Replace “Skinemax” with the Christian Broadcast Network, and fill the DVR with reruns of “The 700 Club.”
- Tell him that your vag (really stress the consonants in “vag”) is “closed for construction,” but let him see multiple workmen entering and exiting, everyday.
- Use up all his lube to slide across the floor like Tom Cruise in “Risky Business.”
- Start farting. Seriously, just keep on farting. No holding back. Unleash hell.
- Have him walk in on you screwing a Longshoreman.
- Get him a JDate subscription for his birthday. Tell him he’s gonna need it.
- Present him with a bill for orgasms he owes you. Mark it as “past due.”
- Bang his dad.