Welcome to wedding season. We are now in the full swing of that time of year where it seems like every goddamn person you know is getting married and your weekends are devoted either to attending these awful ceremonies — which are basically just gift-grabs so your friends can profit from your “obligation” to give them free money — or sitting on your computer, trashing wedding pictures on Facebook because you’re secretly bitter you weren’t invited.
Wedding season for a single guy or girl is FANTASTIC. You’d have to be a leper to not get laid and even then, that’s a stretch. Ever been to a leper wedding? Shit gets weird REAL quick.
But if you’re in a relationship, all weddings do are encourage your girlfriend/significant other to start nagging you to get engaged. It’s a ticking time bomb and there’s really no way to defuse it…or is there? Here are a few subtle hints you can drop to tell your girlfriend she’s not getting the ring anytime soon.
- Make sure the DVR is unable to record “Say Yes To The Dress”, “I Found the Gown”, “Four Weddings”, or any other popular bridal-related shows.
- In fact, if it tries to record any of those shows, beat the shit out of your DVR to let it know you mean business.
- Better yet, just put parental controls on TLC. Get rid of it altogether.
- Encourage her to do hand-weights so she grows out of most ring sizes.
- Whenever she wants to watch a movie, suggest “Blood Diamond” with Leo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou.
- If she rebuffs that, suggest “Bride of Chucky” or “Runaway Bride”.
- Take her out to her favorite restaurant followed by a walk in the park, reminisce about your favorite memories together, take her to a gazebo lit up with fireflies and a string quartet, get down on one knee, and tell her she’s getting fat.
- Buy yourself a ring. Tell her it’s “male empowerment”.
- Make her make you 300 sandwiches, then when she gets to the 299th, tell her the turkey is too dry and throw it against the kitchen wall. Make her start over.
- Actually, just asking her to make you 300 unique sandwiches in order to get engaged should send a sane woman running for the hills. Do that.
- Ask your girlfriend’s friends for your girlfriend’s ring size. Then buy her friend a ring and ask her to marry you.
- Ask her dad for her hand in marriage and slip him a $20 to say no.
- Take her out for a romantic camping trip. Start a campfire using all her wedding magazines and the veil her grandmother gave her as kindling.
- Set up an incredibly ornate, time-consuming scavenger hunt that leads her to a pile of your dirty laundry and a sock full of quarters.
- Pretend to go deaf whenever she’s in the room.
- If she takes you to a jewelry store to look at rings, each time she tries one on, say, “Ooh, do you really think that goes with your skin tone?”
- Keep saying you can’t get married on a longshoreman’s salary. You’re not a longshoreman.
- Say you’ll only get married when your gay friends can get married, even if you live in a state where it’s legal.
- Tell her you’re still holding out hope for Winnie Cooper and Kelly Kapowski to answer the proposals you mailed to them 20 years ago.
- Volunteer for the Peace Corps/Americorps/Teach for America/anything that will get you the fuck out until the heat’s off.
If you follow any of these steps, you won’t have to worry about getting married anytime soon. I mean, you’ll probably have to find a new girlfriend or whatever, but hey, that’s life. There’s plenty of other vagina in the sea. Or whatever.
My girlfriend is gonna murder me.