23 Drunk Thoughts I Have On The Way Home From The Bar

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As the Notes app on my phone will tell you, I come up with my most ridiculous ideas when I’m drunk. Often it’s at a time when I’m quite inebriated, but in a quiet place where I can hear my mind think. A common spot for this is in an Uber vehicle driven by a guy who’s name is probably Reggie.

  1. Does Dominos deliver to a moving vehicle?
  2. How much do I need to tip Reggie to let me plug in my iPhone, and turn his car into a jukebox?
  3. What was that girl’s name? Monica? Marissa? Does it matter?
  4. Is Reggie enjoying this lively conversation I’ve started, or is he just praying for the moment that I get out of his car?
  5. I’m gonna build a castle on top of that skyscraper like in Gargoyles once I’m a billionaire.
  6. I wanna start a band with this guy. He can even be the frontman. We’ll call ourselves Reggie the Wheelman and the Drunk Guys In the Backseat.
  7. Would people assume I’m more intelligent if I fake a British accent for the rest of my life?
  8. How much is the meter going to run up if I have Reggie go through the Jack In The Box drive thru?
  9. I should send my dad a long email about how much I appreciate him. No, not tomorrow, when it’s not obvious I’m drunk, RIGHT DAMN NOW.
  10. Why did Bob Marley shoot the sheriff, but not his deputy? Doesn’t it seem a little dumb to leave a witness to a murder who also happens to be someone who can arrest you for it?
  11. That guy’s windows are rolled down. I wonder what his reaction would be if I threw this McDouble into his car. He can’t be mad about that, right? That’s a gift!
  12. Do you think he’d be cool if I started calling him “Reg”?
  13. Crime would be a lot more fun if the “you can’t lie about being an undercover cop” rule was actually true.
  14. If I pick up that hooker, can my driver be charged with accessory to solicitation?
  15. Feminists say that “Beauty and the Beast” is romanticizing Stockholm Syndrome, but it’s really just about a bitch who went to the west wing when she was fucking told not to.
  16. I wonder if Reggie would be a decent getaway driver. I guess we can start slow with me stealing a two dollar pair of sunglasses from the liquor store on the way home.
  17. I don’t think Reggie is impressed with my flawless recitation of Eminem’s verse on “Forgot About Dre.”
  18. Should I text “U up?” to every former hookup in my phone? Of course not. Spell it out “y-o-u,” ya baboon. Grammar is still important!
  19. Has anyone ever been convinced to go see a movie by a fucking billboard?
  20. Now I see why dogs love sticking their heads out the window.
  21. Don’t mind me, just gonna take a little nap.
  22. We’re here? Did we fucking TELEPORT?!
  23. I hope Reggie texts me to go see a movie this weekend. I like that guy.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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