15 Wedding Trends That Have Got To Go

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Listen, I’m all about you having a wedding that is all your own—unique to you and the poor soul who marries you in every way possible. But, if your wedding looks like it belongs on TLC, you’re doing it wrong.

Do less.

1. “Rustic”
You may find this term synonymous with “country chic.” As someone who grew up in Kentucky, let me be the first to tell you that there is no such thing. Through the years, the term has become looser and looser to the point where the booming mason jar business is the least of our concerns and camo and empty shotgun shells are being incorporated into wedding themes. Not only is this just tacky, but it’s making the effort that is planning a wedding more lax than ever. I saw a wedding that happened just this weekend where the aisle/dance floor combo was just a piece of plywood. I pray the happy couple doesn’t procreate.

2. Disney
How old are you? Actually, no, don’t answer that. I don’t care how old you are, because you’re too old for a Disney wedding. You want to go to the happiest place on Earth? Be a normal, functioning member of society, pop a few kids out down the line, save up about 10 grand, and take them. Nobody wants to be a part of your Mickey Mouse extravaganza. Nobody sure as hell wants to physically go to Orlando (or the overpriced joke that is Disney World). Grow up, Peter Pan…Count Chocula. Have a normal wedding like a normal person.

3. The Great Gatsby
You all know that Gatsby is a TRAGIC love story, right? About an affair that resulted in the deaths of both of the Buchanan’s lovers and ending with the narrator’s drunken depression. I believe the theme you’re looking for here is “Roaring 20s” or “Jazz Age” or literally almost anything other than “Gatsby.” I get it, you like the idea of art deco and grandeur and “bling,” but I highly doubt you’re trying to pull off a double-homicide theme or promote extramarital affairs at your wedding.

4. Peacock feathers
Riddle me this: what the fuck ever made someone go, “Babe, do you know what would be totes adorbs? Covering everything at our wedding in PEACOCK FEATHERS OMG YAYAYAYAY!”? I don’t even have anything to say here except seek help, you peacock plucking psychos.

5. Princess
Are you a princess? Are you Kate Middleton? Are you Grace Kelly? Are you even a Kennedy? If the answer is no to any one of these, then stop everything you’re doing. I don’t care if it’s your special day, “princess.” Take that stupid tiara off your head and toss it to the flower girl.

6. Fast food venues
If I see one more White Castle wedding on Pinterest, I swear to God. I like chicken, bacon, ranch pizza more than a person probably should, but it will be a cold day in Jen Selter’s glutes before I say my vows over a slice. White Castle is, always has been, and always will be for 2:30a.m. You want some sliders? Then head up to the honeymoon suite for a few hours and earn those suckers if you want them incorporated so badly.

7. Something I like to call “Rainbow Bright”
All of your bridesmaids are wearing the same dress in a different color?! Adorbs. You’ve matched your bridesmaids up with their respective groomsman by way of Roy G. Biv Converse? How cute. Nobody cares.

8. A picture with everyone jumping
Seriously, everyone is waiting on you soulless bastards to finish taking pictures so they can finally eat after your two-and-a-half hour ceremony. Quit spending 45 minutes trying to perfect your bridal party’s calf muscles. We get it. You had a good time.

9. Ring tattoos
“And then afterwards we can file for divorce!”

10. Flip flops
You people are monsters. There is nothing worse than wearing a $5,000 gown with a $5 pair of bejeweled flip flops. You want to walk down your white sand beach aisle? Get a nice pedicure and do it barefoot.

11. Boudoir selfies
No, no, no, no, no. I can’t say “no” enough. Do not Snapchat your husband a picture of yourself in what you’re wearing underneath your dress. Nothing about a grainy, 10-second picture says “true love” or “mystery.” If anything, it says “U up?”

12. “Naked” dresses
At what point were the lines blurred on wedding day and wedding night apparel? There is a difference, and though I’m sure you’re super stoked about showing off how much weight you’ve lost specifically for this day, we don’t actually need to see your flesh to notice how tight you’ve whipped your body into shape. Act like you weren’t raised in a strip club, Cinnamon.

13. Zebra print anything
This isn’t 2009. Move on with your lives.

14. “Winter Wonderland” weddings
Unless you’re going to pull a Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan and get married in a literal winter wonderland outside in some fucking snow, give it up, woman.

15. Whatever the fuck this is.

Make it stop.

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My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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