9 Things That Need To Start Happening At Every Wedding

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Just because you’re about to tie the knot, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost your inner party animal. In fact, a wedding is the perfect opportunity to let your wild side shine (bridal approval pending).

Ice Luge
It’s simple, but it’s a great start. People can carve anything out of ice these days, so why not go big with a custom luge for the reception? What better way to do Jäger bombs than to have them shoot down an ice sculpture of something wedding-esque?

Complete Wedding Shoe Protocol Overhaul
Screw tuxedo shoes. You now have an excuse to buy a new pair of loafers that don’t (yet) smell like a homeless person slept in them for a month right in the dead of summer. Tux shoes are uncomfortable and never fit right, so dance and drink the night away in your own coordinated boat shoes. (Cowboy boots also acceptable.)

Late Night Food
This is becoming the standard at weddings, whether it’s pizza or hot dogs. But why not take it one step further? Two words: taco bar. It will bring all your college friends back to those late night trips to the taco stands on campus.

Roman Candle Sendoff
Having a night wedding? Don’t send the bride and groom off with sparklers or rice. Try Roman candles. Those bad boys will light up the sky, provide a lot more fire power, and just look 100 times more badass. Do, however, try to get this in before the guests get too drunk and decide to point them at the bride’s dress.

Slip ‘N Slide Aisle
Do you have the ultimate party couple in mind? What better way to make their way back from the altar than to Slip ‘N Slide down the aisle on their way out of the ceremony? (Note: this will work better for an outdoor ceremony rather than a church wedding. However, more power to you if you can get a church to approve this.)

Faux Ray-Bans For Guests
No matter what point of the wedding it is, whether it’s at the outdoor ceremony or during the reception, you can’t go wrong with some shades for all the guests. These days, they’re everywhere and people instantly feel 10 times cooler rocking a pair of shades with a cocktail in hand.

Groomsmen Bro Tanks
You know that part of the evening when your tuxes are all getting filled with sweat and you want to keep partying? Here’s the solution: coordinated bro-tanks for all your groomsmen. This way, when you decide to take off the jacket and shirt, you all have a classy, fun way keep the party going. Just think of all the possibilities!

EDM Version Of “Here Comes The Bride”
This is not for the faint of heart. This is for the ultimate party people who really want to change it up. Shock everyone when Deadmau5 shows up and instead of the traditional, boring wedding march, you get the EDM house music version. This is also when the shades come in handy.

No Dinner Wine–Dinner Fireball Instead
The wine goes quickly and there is never enough. Why not get rid of the wine at the dinner tables and instead supply each table with a handle of Fireball? The toasts will be more interesting and everyone is guaranteed to have an even greater time. When has Fireball ever ruined anything? Trick question. It hasn’t.

NOTE: This will be the biggest shitshow of a wedding you’ll ever attend and/or no one will want to pay for this.

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Mike lives in Chicago and has spent the better part of his life ragging on all things that annoy him. He will become a true Post-Grad next summer when he gets married to his other Post-Grad half who shares his hatred of all things stupid. Anyone with no interest in the media industry, craft beers, strong bourbons, and the ultimate joy of the golf course should seek other articles.

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